Pregnant with Expectation - Musings on waiting for new tech.....

From the moment you order your brand new top of the range piece of tech, the whole "Expecting" analogy kicks in good and proper...

This time, for me, its a new phone - well actually a Phablet - which is a cross between a phone and a tablet.  The much hailed Samsung Galaxy Note 8 was ordered / conceived shortly after I got home from my holidays, on 21st of November.   Since then, I have been well and truly pregnant with expectation.  

I've been preparing for the newcomer, trying to pass the time, reading all I can about looking after my newby. Learning how to tame the wee beast once it arrives, and bring it up right!!

Also buying all the accompanying equipment needed - I have my new case already, a couple of screen protectors sitting here waiting, and a new memory card.  They are all here already, sat on the table, taunting me with the fact that the damned Phone isn't.  Yet.

And each day, waking to the thought that this might be the day.   The day of the delivery.  Because, you just don't know exactly when....  So you check the order form and the website delivery guidelines.  You refresh the tracking.  Several times a day.   Just in case there has been a change....

AND Finally - I'm glad to say I now have a more concrete due date, in fact, I'd say my waters just broke and the contractions have well and truly kicked in.   I'm expecting the tardy wee fucker to arrive sometime tomorrow according to my tracking information, and as with all new babies, I'm sure I'll announce it all over facebook once it arrives!!

When I was expecting with my daughter, she kept me waiting 10 agonising extra days beyond the expected due date.   I'm glad to say this newcomer is only a few days overdue...  Better get the nest ready and prepare all around me for the sleepless nights until I get over the newness...

Kids, eh!!  

Enough with the sighing already... *sigh*

Recently, I've noticed this wee word being used increasingly often at the end of posts, or as a comment on stuff people have shared.  Seems to be a thing.  And it scares me a little.

The sigh. A soft breath outwards. Signifying tiredness, relief, despair.  

It seems to be used to show a giving up, an admission of defeat.

To say You see what I have to put up with? or ask What else can I do?

Or to say Not this again, This is getting old, I'm so weary of all this crap.

You see?  See why that little word might be a bit fucking scary?

Are we really wanting to use that pathetic little word so bloody often?  Or is it just a lazy habit being overused without thinking?

I've seen this word used as comments on posts where a godamned motherfucking SIGH is perhaps the least needed response imaginable.  Like Sighs at the bullshit spouted by folk like Donald Trump or Katie Hopkins.  Sighs at some fools sexist or racist or homophobic (or if its Trump, all three) comments.  Sighs at Politicians denying their misdemeanors or decrying others misdemeanors. Sighs at people being judgemental, or ignorant or nasty or generally rude. Sighs as a comment on the growing trend for celebrating violence or terror or oppression. Sighs about the growth of inequalities or social injustice. Sighs because the world is changing in a way that people are unhappy with.

Sighs.  That weary soft breath outwards.   How in holy fuck is that the right response to anything other than the small stuff like stepping in dogshit or mislaying your keys?

But the things I'm seeing that are being "sighed" at - those things like the crap I just listed above?  So often they aren't the small stuff. They are a sign of a growing weariness at how much big stuff is being thrown at us.   But those big things, no matter how often or same old they might feel, they don't want Sighing at. They want screaming, slapping, protesting, shouting or swearing at.  They want riots in the streets, petitions, all out revolution in some cases -  but a sigh???

We need to sop with the Sighing. Its so bloody defeatist.
So very hipster.
So passive aggressive.

So lets not.

Failing With Style - More bloody noise about meself.

Before reading this, know that this stuff was quite diffilcult to write about - but also difficult to decide to write about it and share it.  In this age of the overshare, I have become a little more reluctant to slap up my life deets at every opportunity.  Its not at all that I don't think people should, or that I don't want others to know - it's more about not (as I see it myself) making so much bloody noise about meself, if you get me.

I've had a bit of a turbulent month or so.  Hey, December is always hard for me - I flip flop between wanting to see people and wanting my routine back.  My normal (these days) low stress, isolated existence is going to be disrupted whether I like it or not.  Some of that I look forward to, but at the same time I worry that I will be too tired, get ill, panic, and just generally let people down by not being the person they were used to anymore.

As with most anxious types, one of the ways I try to cope better is by being prepared, more organised.  This can help massively or it can lead to unnecessary worry and being overly controlling.  Trying to be prepared for all eventualities is exhausting, and damned near impossible but it doesn't stop my daft head from bloody trying to do exactly that.  

And the festive season has lots to prepare for - going visiting, gift buying and this year a little break for my daughters birthday just before chrimbo.  None of which is a major deal, but the fact they all happen close together, and that it has a date and time to be done - thats where the stressor buttons get pressed.  Its all well and good getting by day to day with the freedom of doing however much I can when I can, and having the luxury to shut down a bit when I need to. Set days like Christmas day bother me - it niggles that I might HAVE to be social because its christmas, I guess.

For people who have known me forever - well, ages anyway - the idea of me NOT being social seems bonkers.  The old me was Tigger.  The new me is distinctly more Eeyore.  So I worry that I'll be weird to people.  I resort to a sort of impersentation of the old me, a bit cartoonised, but seems to be more accepted by others.  It avoids questions or comments - You don't seem yourself, why so moody,  you're quiet etc...  It kinda makes me even FEEL a bit like old me for a short burst.  It always has a kickback one way or another, either emotional wobbles, fatigue or illness.  So then I let people down.  I was a mess christmas day night, tummy issues, crying jaggs, and a massive plummet into the gloom and fatigue cave.  I didn't make it to the Boxing Day family bowling.   Not for the first time.

Letting people down - its the thing I know is going to happen, and try hard to avoid by being prepared, and invariably its what I get terribly upset about.  I get that most of this emotional upset is driven by me - my attempts to be acceptably Me-like, and then feeling out of my depth, followed by imagining what everyone thinks of me and getting upset about my imaginings.  On the right side of my head, I know its all me really and so I should just dial it back or something.  On the wrong side of my head is the unlimited propensity to beat on myself and wallow in my own stress juices.

Now earlier this year I scaled back, then stopped my anti depressants completely - I felt like they weren't doing much anyway and if I could do without it would be better for all the other stupidity I have going on healthwise.  I was pleased and felt fine about not taking the meds.  It felt like a good achievement.  I think because despite knowing its an illness, I still feel the stigma of being on medication to feel normal.  I totally recognise that stigma, the skewed view we all have of mental illness and medication to control it.  I recognise it, but I still want to be able to do without like everyone else.

So I was very reluctant to admit to myself that I probably did need the meds.  But I did.   I do need them still, and after a few quite black episodes recently, I'm feeling much better having restarted on a low dose.

I wasn't sure about writing all this down - because a voice is telling me its a fail.  Big Fat Hairy Fail.
Oddly though its not getting too much attention, I think because I know it isn't really failing.  Failing would be to continue to decline, knowing that meds might help.  Failing would be to let myself buy into the whole idea that you can decide you don't need the meds and that alone will mean you really don't because its all in your head anyway.  Failing would be to lie to myself for the sake of saving face.

So no, I'm not failing just yet.  I'm simply staying in control of my life, my health and my medication. I thought about not sharing all this, because, well, it doesn't really impact anyone else I guess.  I thought about what would happen if I didn't share, and just got on with my life - you know, making less bloody noise and all that. Nothing.  Nothing would happen.  Then I thought of all the times I've read stuff from others that has really reassured me that I'm not on my own in all this, that others struggle with the same issues.  So really all this noise is just in case someone out there is in the same boat, or might take comfort in the fact that we all get things wrong sometimes, and its better to get back on a good track than continue on a not so good one to save face.

One of my aims for the coming year is to say "sorry"  a lot less, and "Thanks for understanding" a bit more.  With that in mind, I want to say a big thank you to my family for understanding my limitations and not making me feel bad about missing stuff at chrimbo.

Finally, to all my family and friends, close or distant, I love you ALL the same. (but I love each one of you a little bit more if you are reading this, and if you continue to put up with my noise! )

A Brave New Life - A tired look at losing some stuff and gaining new stuff...

The New Life...

It wasn't that long ago that all these things were part of my life :
Stand Up Comedy
Improv Comedy
Writing novels
Working a full time Job

Any one on its own could fill a persons time easily, let alone all of them.  And at the time I juggled them all without feeling too many stretches and strains at my life force.

Then I started to notice changes - and had a couple of severe crashes which the docs wrote off as depression and anxiety (as is their way) and started long term meds.

I lost focus - it was most noticeable in my writing, which more or less stopped.  I didn't enjoy it.  Especially not the editing - it was like the text wouldn't quite gel in my head when I read it. I put it down to the anti depressants.

Memory loss - well jokingly I put it down to age or genetic (Mum was famously scatty, Dad has Altzheimers) but this was also scary for me.  There is a huge difference between forgetting something which as soon as you realise you forgot it comes back to you clear as day, and searching sometimes quite desperately to remember something you just did and finding absolutely nothing - not a vague recollection - nada.  I recall quite clearly doing an improv game called alphabet I think.  Each person in the scene needs to start their bit of dialogue with the next letter - it was going great until suddenly I froze - had to actually just not say anything - not because I couldn't think of anything for the letter, I didn't KNOW the next letter.  It was ever such a small incident to others.  To me I knew it was wrong.  Very odd feeling.  I started pulling back from improv a little and the fear began to creep in a bit further.

Word tripping (or word salad) - I would be in full flow conversation and a completely different word would come out of my mouth - mid sentence, making me do a double take as if I was hearing someone else.  Sometimes they still made sense sometimes not, but always they were NOT the word in my head and just came out of the blue to me.  It was funny sometimes.  Sometimes not.  In my teaching kids would notice, and I'd pretend it was on purpose to see if they were listening.

Co Ordination and Balance - In my youth I used to dance - Ballroom, latin, Disco - I was really good at it and I loved it.  I've always had quite good co ordination and balance, but I began to notice more trips, wobbles, dizzy spells, losing my balance.  I'd regularly walk into walls.  Not head on, no, more like those trolleys at tesco that go to one side...

Gradually I dropped off the things I'd been juggling - the writing, the stand up, the improv, and finally and most drastically, the teaching.

June 2013 I had a massive crash and that was the last day I worked.  Haven't worked since.  A variety of things now came to the fore - some pretty massive vitamin deficiencies, the Coeliacs disease, and the fatigue.  Having tackled the Coeliacs with a change of diet, removing gluten, I felt some changes.
I still have nowhere near conquered the deficiencies and fatigue.  That massive, all consuming drained feeling is something I experience every single day.

Now to the new life - Lots of things have gone (see above) - and along with them a lot of the energy draining things and stressors.  Also along with them went social things like seeing others on a daily basis.  I don't see anyone except Derek, Rob and Edna.  Sometimes for weeks or more.  I have social contact on facebook.  I chat sometimes for a minute or two to people walking their dogs when I'm out with Edna.  And I shop.  Love to scour the charity shops for bargains.

There are some other new things - sewing, decorating, gardening, cooking.  Probably I'd have done these things more before were it not for the other pesky creative stuff taking all my time :D

I sleep a lot.  Probably about 12 hrs on average each day.  Don't use a lot of energy during the other waking 12 hrs either because if I do, I suffer the next day.  My joints ache most of the time and I limp.  I feel healthier though, I eat better and I look better.  My doctor says that my bloodtests show nothing in particular and I'm sure he thinks I'm a nut, so I've stopped bothering.  He wants to let my diet improve and rule out the other stuff before he looks at anything else. This is what its like with Chronic Fatigue and M.E. - Doctors don't know nearly enough about it to pin it down.  If they can see another reason for the fatigue and symptoms, that's what they will pick - its the coeliacs, its depression, its a deficiency.  Some doctors will identify ME or CFS, others won't.   And if they have no idea, then I'm bloody sure I don't know.  So, we need more info, people.  I read what I can (yep, I blames the tireds!!) and I know enough to know that we don't know nearly enough.

The BIG ASK -

If you are doing nowt on Sunday 17th May at 8pm - Come to the Frog N Bucket and add some coffers to the pot to try and discover more about M.E. and  CFS - aside from helping the cause, its a great line up and well worth the money :)

Tickets on sale NOW from http://www.skiddle.com/whats-on/Manchester/Frog-And-Bucket/Laugh-For-ME/12337625/

I ask myself sometimes if I miss those things - its odd - I recognise that I used to do them, but now I don't. I loved doing them, now I likely wouldn't.  I'm scared of the word trips and forgetting what to say, I don't have the drive to get off my butt and do them.  I certainly don't have the energy or presence of mind needed for most of them.  I love remembering.

I'm oddly content though.  Stress in my life is way down - good for my health.  I'm managing financially, just.  My head is clearer and my heart is full of love for myself and those dear to me.

I still wonder - should there be more in my life?

But I'm a bit tired, so I'll maybe do more another day.

Daisy xxxx

One Year On....

My own D-Day - One year on.

On June 5th, 2013, I awoke with an odd feeling.  It was like I wasn't totally there, not completely with it. It had been a restless night, drifting in and out of sleep, vivid dreams that didn't quite end, but really - same old, same old.  Up.  Dressed. Off to work filled with pervasive questions of when.  When would be too much?  When would it all just stop? Could it keep going like this? Will I just die?  - Now I know those thoughts, especially the last one, are big alarms, but at the time they seemed as normal as the constant grind of work. 

At work, it occurred to me that today would likely be the day I died.  I hadn't questioned this thought, it just seemed to embed itself as a total truth in my head.  I started finishing off some assessment marking, thinking it would be untidy to leave the last four not done.  Seems bizarre and laughable now, but at no stage did the thought "Don't be ridiculous..." occur.  As the kids rolled in and I saw them sitting, reading, readying for the day I just seemed to crash.  They call them severe panic attacks, but it didn't seem panicky.  I just didn't want the kids to see me die.  I wanted to be with Degs.  A lot of what followed seems unreal, and just trying to recall it makes me weep quietly.  I was escorted home, and it was indeed the beginning of the end of my teaching life anyway.

Over the following months, it felt like an amplified version of what happens to all teachers and school staff once a holiday arrives.  Your body seemed to be holding off on illness and repair and you suddenly get the worst cold, or a bad bug of some sort.  My health in general plummeted - my long suffering tummy was dreadful, I had migraines every couple of days, my limbs ached, I couldn't walk due to pain in my feet, weakness and dizziness when I stood up.  I coudn't even think straight, it was like wading through mud. People spoke to me but not a lot of it went in...

Blood tests galore and lots of doctor time came up with hyperthyroidism, pernicious anaemia, anxiety, plantar faciitus, and finally after 7 months, in November, they diagnosed Coeliacs Disease. This last one was likely the root of all the others, and had been building up the other problems for 10 years or so.  10 years of my gut not doing its job.  Not absorbing medications, or essential vitamins like iron, B12, follic acid and vit D. 

Now I think people are aware of Heart Issues (Watch your Cholesterol) and Lung Issues (Don't Smoke) and even liver (watch your alcohol intake) and possibly Diabetes (watch your sugars!!) but I'm not so sure people are as aware of the gut and its impact on your whole body health. That's likely because it has a much lower profile in healthcare.  In my case I was able to be sent for a gut biopsy in 2003, have them find some early indications and recommend blood tests, and that be totally glossed over by my GP because it was low priority.  But ten years of living with it means my chances of developing bowel cancer or lymphoma have at least doubled, along with increased chance of osteoporosis, and other food intolerances, and a generally compromised immune system. I'm due gut biopsies every two years now to keep on top of it, which is good.

For me now, looking back, the pieces all fit.  The history I have of depression, anxiety and fatigue wasn't linked to anything else by GPs , but it seems highly likely that it was at least exaserbated by the low vitamins and poor thyroid performance.  However, antidepressants and counselling were the order of the day, and the docs had done their prescribed duty.

I hadn't intended to dwell so much on the past when I started to write, so I'm gonna leap forward to today.  Things are healing, slowly.  I'm so much happier these days.  And its real happiness, a contentedness that things will be alright after all.  My mind on the whole has been reset - I'm less likely to see doom and feel fear on a daily basis.  I go out more thanks to my lovely Edna - who is six months old today by the way!  Still get waves of anxiety all the time, but they are easily handled for the most part.  

Oddly, it sometimes feels like my physical health hasn't improved hugely.  Balance issues - yep.  Fatigue - yep, sometimes crippling.  Brain fog - Yep, though not all the time these days.  Stomach issues - yep, sometimes far more severe than before I changed my diet, as I'm more sensitive since giving up gluten. Also ever so slightly menopausal (very) to add to the mix.  I definitely can't physically do as much as I used to.  And yet I am healthier.  I've definitely put the brakes on, and am rolling down hill at a far more acceptable rate, as opposed to hurtling down towards an early grave like I was before.

And why? Well, what I can do these days is live.  Live my life, breath, relax, love my family, enjoy my days, feel content.   Got a ways to go I think, but I have space for the improvements to happen.  

So to sum up - feeling better, living better, loving better. - Thanks to all for the support, especially Degs, Rob, Sally and Edna - my personal emergency services.  :)  Onwards and upwards, eh!

June 5th, 2014 xx

Saving Mrs Connolly

God I'm an overdramatic cow at times.  I blame it on the fact that I just finished watching Saving Mr Banks on the day that I paid off my mortgage, and just three weeks after being dismissed from my job on medical grounds.

I feel slightly melancholy about having become Mortgage Free in the circumstances.  At what cost, I ask.   I mean, I know to the penny the monetary cost, and I worked for every bloody bit, yet more and more I drift towards thinking about the real cost, and whether its already too late and cost me way too much.

OK, that is utter maudlin crap, but it's the kind of crap that I should explore and exorcise before getting on with life.

No one likes working for a living - or do they?  I know loads who do, actually.  Studies show that to work, ie to occupy yourself in an effort other than just eating, drinking and living our lives, regardless of payment for such, is our natural state.  Its often shown that losing employment or retiring can be devastating, and is always life changing.  In most though the need to leave work at work and live a little is becoming an issue. Ironically, working is a big issue.

The nature of our working lives is ever changing, but I'd say that en masse, and in most jobs, it's certainly under more scrutiny and as a result, more stressful than it used to be.  Ask anyone about whether the monitoring and evaluation of their job has changed over the last decade, and their reply will be an affirmative and weary one.  It's a fact that everywhere we turn people are working in smaller and smaller micro managed bubbles.  Bubbles with smaller and smaller spaces for any freedom of thought or deviation from the needs of the employer.  Now, I get that ultimately we as employees serve the needs of the employer, but I'm wondering if anyone is keeping any track of the cost to the employees - on a truly massive scale - of this very single minded approach.

The world of work has obviously heeded the growing cries from employees about this trend towards the micro managed workplace and its detrimental effects.  Hence the bollocks about Work/Life Balance often spouted by the uppers when the lowers moan.  The scariest thing about WLB initiatives is the fact that they are spreading their micro management virus into our lives.  They talk about agreeing that life balance is important, and as employers they then try to dictate how that life might be more effectively managed so that it doesn't (heaven forfend) impinge on your work.  And since they now want to be a part of  ensuring a good Work Life Balance, they think that includes lording it over stuff that is in the Life section in the same way they lord it over the Work Section.  Stuff like what you write on social networks in your free time is under scrutiny.  How you deal with illness is totally governed by work regulations.  Time out of work is meted out at precise levels for the likes of funerals, childcare, moving house, giving birth...   Where there once may have been give and take on a fluid level between employer and employee, its become more entangled and bitter than a bad divorce, with each side snatching at every petty point, and trust totally destroyed on both sides.

The toll that this micro managed working life has on people is going to come home to roost at some point.  It has to.  It surely cannot continue the way it is, robbing people of a meaningful existence outside of their work, and leaving them with physical and mental work wounds that continue to cripple long after the work is done.

I'm lucky.  Really bloody lucky.  My work wounds hit me early enough to make me realise I was in danger.  I'm still unsure whether I got out in time, a bit like not really knowing how much radiation you were exposed to, or how much of the damage will be serious, life threatening, long term, whatever (Told you I was dramatic...)

What has this got to do with Saving Mr Banks, or the price of bread, I hear you thinking - well the film isn't so much about the struggle to bring Mary Poppins to the screen, as it is about how heart-breakingly often the world of work takes its pound of flesh, regardless of the consequences.  Maybe we all need some sort of saintly Mary Poppins to float down and save us - from letting work take too big a cut, from neglecting important things like our kids and family, from letting that bubble we work in suffocate everything else in our lives.

As I said, I am incredibly lucky to have popped the bubble and escaped, I feel, just in time.  I fear that others won't be so lucky though, and I truly hope this nasty micro managed trend plateaus and starts to fall away soon.  Cos its a major shitter.

Daiz xx

Oooh hark at me, I've taken down a bloody giraffe!!

So, at the weekend I was walking about amongst the ordinary folk like you do.  It was pretty chilly and wet,  so folk were wearing an array of coats and macs as would be appropriate.  I spotted one woman wearing an amazing item to protect her from the weathers.  A lovely faux fur animal print coat.  I'm pretty certain on the Faux bit, since it was shades of purple and pink.

Minds wander though, and my thoughts turned to the whole furs thing.  Some furs had a lot of kudos attached I'm sure, in the days pre Gok Wan but peri Ugg the Caveman.  Those were the days, eh.  When you walked proudly down the street, or worn established pathways, showing off your coat.  Not your Up Yer Own Arse labels from some trendy boutique, but a cloak of critters to show the world your prowess.  It might be a big ass bear, or some tiger you did away with.  I can see how furs continue to be status symbols, with echoes of those warriors who truly conquered what they wore.

So picture that same coat I saw being shown off all those years ago, round Ugg's fire...

"Took that down yerself did you, mate?"   (smirks)
"Yup.  You like?  Bloody warm..."
"Errr OKay... Great.  Really shows your ahhh your hunting skills..." (hiding sniggers)
"Mhmmm. Ok What are you getting at?  Come on, I can see you sniggering..."
"Nothing.  Nothing, its a fabulous er... Giraffe coat."
" Yeah, damn straight..."
" Did it put up much of a fight?"( laughter rippled around the fire)
"Ohhh I get it, Yep I see, because you have your scary Tiger coat and Barry has his Polar Bear coat and you think you are better than me because I took out a giraffe."
"Well...  its just... its not a very savage beast really is it, you know...  How did you get it?  (Pause) Did you just trip the bugger up?"

Anyway, my reaction to the ladies Giraffe print coat was much the same as it might have been long ago - who the cock wears a giraffe print coat where people can see it?  And to add insult to injury, a purple and pink bloody giraffe print coat.  So not only did you take out a giraffe, it was a cartoon motherfucker in shades of mauve!!!  The primal caveman in me wanted to smack her over the head with a club and drag her to a dustbin...

I didn't.  I just smirked to meself.   And did the voice in my head...  "Oooh hark at me, I've taken down a bloody  giraffe!"

Daiz XX

Mentally Unhealthy Musings.

Those mentally healthy smarty pants are at it again, happily sharing their (lack of) knowledge so that us poor mentally unhealthy types might benefit from their wisdom.

Because of course all we need to do is be like them and we'll be fine!!

This need to help out with tips from the mentally well, when you are struggling with mental illness is one of the most annoying things ever experienced.  A bit like when every woman who ever had kids tells you how to do a pregnancy as soon as you mention you are expecting.  But more so.

The list above is well meaning, and appears to be simples to the "I'm OK, so you should be too" brigade.  Its bloody not.   So here's the reality from someone closer to the front line....

1 - THINK POSITIVELY: IT'S EASIER.- It is NOT easy in any measure to think positively just because you know you should. Its like persuading your body to fall upwards when you fall off a cliff, because the downward movement may be met with hitting ground.  The easier option is to wallow in the pit, and trust me, its so damned easy to wallow that it feels like every other option has been removed.  Best to aim for remembering there ARE other options besides the blackest ones that are pushing out all others.  And hope that those around you who are in a better place will realise the effort needed and support you.

2 - CHERISH THE ONES YOU LOVE.-  Sometimes, cherishing loved ones is more difficult than it might seem, because of silly little things like guilt, guilt that you are putting those cherished loved ones through all this crap.  Or feeling undeserving of those loved ones, and with no clue as to why they put up with you at all.  If you are lucky, those loved ones will forego the cherishing, and love you unconditionally.

3 - CONTINUE LEARNING AS LONG AS YOU LIVE. -  That one is easy, but the things we learn when mentally below parr are not always good lessons - like learning to put up barriers, hide away, mask our feelings, behave recklessly and ignore good sense.

4 - LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES. - Again, seems simple, but you'd have to recognise those mistakes as being mistakes in order to try not to do them over and over.  And there is the rub of all rubs.

5 - EXERCISE DAILY.  - Bit like telling an asthmatic to breath properly.  When your body is doing all it can just to get you to open your eyes and face another day, finding motivation to exercise is often bottom of a really long list of (albeit skewed) priorities.  Granted, this is in fact one of the most beneficial things to do when you are not where you should be mentally. It often has huge effects in a short space of time.  Nevertheless, it still takes a monumental effort and support from others is often the only way to get on track.

6 - DO NOT COMPLICATE YOUR LIFE UNNECESSARILY - Well, thanks once again for that pearl of wisdom.  Trouble is, it doesn't seem complicated until it is.  No one says to themselves "You know, I think I need more on my plate than I can cope with so I'll just seek it out on purpose..."   This kind of ridiculously facetious advice goes a long way to making those who are struggling feel even more out of their depth.

7 - TRY TO UNDERSTAND AND ENCOURAGE THOSE AROUND YOU - definately one for the mentally well, that one.  Sometimes it feels like you can't manage to do that for your self, let alone others.

8 - DO NOT GIVE UP - SUCCESS IN LIFE IS A MARATHON.  Well, I don't mean to sneer at this admirable sentiment, but again with the telling of the asthmatic to breath better.  You can bet the mentally ill know exactly what a marathon success is, and they are running one every single day.  Better to tell them to see every little milestone as success, not those long term finish lines that seem so far away....

9 - DISCOVER AND NURTURE YOUR TALENTS.   Its all relative, but this is probably one of the most difficult platitudinal requests in this list. Even without a mental illness to oil the logs we balance on, this is something most of us are ridiculously poor at by ourselves.  We can only try do our share of this for others, and hope that it is recognised and nurtured back in ourselves.

10 - SET GOALS FOR YOURSELF AND PURSUE YOUR DREAMS. - Ah... Easy as that.  I know when I'm in the depths of a depression I can think of nothing more than setting some goals for mesen before a good hearty breakfast!!  More useful maybe to rethink, and replace scoring any goals with just trying to turn up to the match everyday, and bringing your kit in case you are fit to play....

As for dreams - at my worst times, mine are usually the sort that wake you crying and sweating.  Concentrate on getting back a clear view of reality before worrying about dreams and the like.  The best dreams will come to those who wait.... or somesuch other platitude.  Do what you can, and just keep swimming....

Daisy xx

Spare the spoilers? Spoil the child....

Some people get really bothered by other people posting details of shows they have seen and enjoyed.  This missive is to those people.  Its a kind of "I'll give you something to cry about" type post, so if you are one of those bothered people, stop reading.............. NOW!  






(Spoilers may follow, so run along now...)






First of all, Oh my good lord, you whining, self centred, passive aggressive children!!!!

Since you are so keen on exercising your choice NOT TO WATCH WHEN EVERYONE ELSE DID, maybe exercise the choice not to read the comments and posts about it.  See, while you are taking time to read them, you could have chosen to WATCH THE BLOODY THING!!

Now I get that some people might have a legitimate reason for not watching the programme live, when its on telly, like the rest of us plebs.  Those reasons might include being at work, being operated on, and being kidnapped by Somali pirates.  They don't include "I want to watch it with my friends later"  "I'm going to a party instead" or "I want to watch it at my leisure, when I'm ready, OK?"  

Legitimate reasons for missing the live broadcast usually mean you won't have access to spoilery comments either, and I'd expect you to watch at the earliest convenience, if you are bothered about watching it spoiler free.  Otherwise, if you aren't that arsed about watching it, then don't be so arsed about reading spoilers, DUHHH!

Choosing to be somewhere else, or to watch it when YOU fancy does not then entitle you to whine on and insult people who have already watched it, loved it and wish to share their enthusiastic comments.  Those people don't have to cow tow to your choices and/or your preference to watch it later.  They don't have to not mention their favourite bits just because you haven't seen it yet.  Expecting people to avoid mentioning plot details out of some misguided idea of courtesy is id-ish in the extreme, and comes from some odd feeling that the world should revolve around your needs and wants rather than its own.

The age of chivalry is dead and good riddance, as it existed usually so that anal retentive rule makers could impose ridiculous rules on others to fit their idea of what they thought was right.  Opening doors for ladies - rule set up by some bloke who wanted to show women they needed help and he was there to provide it.    A Gentleman never tells -  rule set up by someone who isn't getting any, so that they can imply that they are.  Children should be seen and not heard - rule set up by selfish parents to keep their kids in line.  and finally - Don't disclose spoilers online - rule set up by folk who want to watch stuff later and believe everyone else should scurry round their choice and not talk about shows like they want to in case they spoil it for the rule makers.

Sorry, but I've never been much for rules which cater for the rule makers only and don't benefit the rest of us.  

In conclusion, stuff your spoiler whining right up your tight whinging arses, I'll discuss what I want online and I expect you to be active in choosing NOT TO READ and not be passive and expect me not to write.

Grow a pair, for goodness sakes, ya big babies.

Dais.   (with due respect)

Learn some respect? Really?

Oooh and here's another of those "Share If You agree" facebook things.

Really?  So lets start at the beginning, this is saying that if you had spoken rudely to your parents, you wouldn't be here to share this status - because your parents were so "strict" (read violent and controlling maybe) they would have killed you.  Or in a tamer interpretation, done something to you so that you couldn't type the status?  Or even tamer, maybe they would still be controlling your life to the extent that you would not be able to get online, use facebook, communicate?  Whichever way it is, I'd not be bragging about parents like that - they sound like Fred n Rose West or something.

And the other bit - about the children learning respect - where are they going to learn this from?  From someone who thinks good parenting is a walloping for talking out of turn?  Or preventing kids from communicating?  Where did the person posting this little gem learn about respect I wonder?  It seems their interpretation relies on fear of something terrible if you were rude to your parents.

Do I think some children need to learn the meaning of respect?  Well, yes they likely do, but no more than they did when I was a child.  Is this post saying it was better a generation or two ago? If so then I'd have to disagree - I knew kids who regularly got smacked, walloped and worse because that's what their parents saw as good parenting - looking at a lack of control on their part, resulting in bad behaviour in their kids as an excuse to be violent, controlling and mean to their children.

Actually, children these days are taught directly and unequivocally what respect is all about in school.  I was taught the three r's and did a lot of colouring in and copying out (handwriting practise).  Lets be really honest, it wasn't all that great in school 30 yrs ago for kids.

If you really want to harp on about children today - go teach, or at least make sure your children do understand that respect isn't about being afraid of getting hurt if you were rude to adults.  Hopefully it is about understanding how adults will look at you and feel if you are rude to them, so you can avoid making people feel shitty by being thoughtless, or encouraging adults with no respect to be rude, mean or violent back to you.

I haven't shared this, because I don't agree.  I've never felt that I wouldn't be around now if I had been rude to my parents when I was younger.  I wasn't rude to my parents because I wasn't under their feet twentyfour seven, I was out playing with other kids.   Its a luxury I didn't necessarily recognise then, but I do now - kids today don't have the luxury of being able to spend most of their days unsupervised by parents for a variety of reasons.  And if I had been under my parents feet as much as kids tend to be these days, I suspect I'd have had a fair few more run ins with my mum and dad than I did.

Still at least these little gems of ill thought out nostalgia get you thinking.  Or not.  In which case, you can just share like the other sheep.

Daiz xx

Enough with the Uglifying....

So I saw a post on my facebook timeline saying "Everyone has an ugly friend..." - it implied several things that trouble me hugely.  Firstly, that everyone is shallow enough to judge their friends according to their looks, and place them above or below themselves.  Secondly that they see those friends that are less conventionally attractive than themselves as ugly. Such a nasty word, and to tag someone with that trait is saying they produce a reaction of disgust in others.  Its not only telling them something about how they look, but telling them how others react to them.  Thirdly and most noxious is the final implication that if you DON'T think you have ugly friends, it must mean that you are unknowingly the one that is the "ugly friend" 

Posts like this are at the root of some of the shittiest crap that goes on on the internet.  They peddle the message that EVERYONE judges you, even those you trust.  It says you should judge others before they judge you.  It says that if you don't judge others like this, you are naive and everyone else is judging you anyway.  The message it throws out is this - People are all cunts, so be a cunt and fit in.

All this hidden bullshit is sprayed around on facebook as being jokey, funny and harmless.  Quirky quotes of aggressive crap telling how you don't care about the folk who give you angst in life are another trend I hate.  I see that people might want to present a facade of bravado, but truthfully, if people are shitwits to you, you need to show them how that hurts, not wear the mask of some angry cunt who doesn't like others to hide the fact that you are hurting.  Otherwise you risk becoming the angry cunt who doesn't like anyone.

The ugly friend thing in particular needs stamping on - Nothing is more ugly than encouraging others to be judgemental in order to feel better about being a judgemental twat yourself.  Just don't do it.  Don't make others feel like crap.  Don't think about your friends like that.   Its really fucking destructive.

Have I got any ugly friends?  - well, I'm sure there are people on my timeline and friends list who do judge others in lots of ways, but I can't really bring myself to tag them as ugly.  Do I have friends who might be seen as less than attractive?  Fuck knows, people, I truly wouldn't have a bloody clue because I'm too busy trying to keep my own head above water to be arsed pushing anyone elses under.

So, erm..... stop it with the judgey judging judgefest.  Life is hard enough surely....

Dais xx

The Hairy Misanthropes

How doth the hairy misanthropes

Plot and plunder the fun from my life

Mistrust and disdain are their wary bedfellows

How dare the hairy misanthropes

Trample upon my sparkle and joy

With such glee and alarming regularity

BUT Why?  I ask with a genuine confusion

They blame such naivety on my delusions

Their answer is always that “Life Is Hard”

For such is the belief of these massive fucktards

(sorry – I mean “misanthropes”, obviously)

So why do those hairy misanthropes

Spread their gloom and despair, like birdshit in my hair

At every turn, weaving their terrible way through my dreams?

It is simply because those hairy misanthropes

Have nothing of their own they did not steal from those like me

Have no dreams,  no joy and, most telling, no integrity.

So when troubled by your own particular Hairy Misanthrope

I’m thinking that this knowledge might present a spark of hope

Remember that, try as they might, they themselves can never be

Creative, fresh and vibrant

Hopeful and ebullient

Friendly, trusting, dare I say

Genuine and nice in our own way

and .... (we can say it proudly)

WITH  our  Integ    ri      ty.

By me.  Fuck you, Hairy Misanthropes.

Ebay Buyers Should Definately Beware...

I'm coming to the end of my ridiculous ebay buying ban for daring to leave honest feedback.

Will I be buying again from ebay once its lifted?  Well, no.  And for very good reasons...

For those who don't know, here's how I got banned from buying on ebay (I could still sell, because that, of course, is where ebay fleeces you of your hard earned!)

What I did
- bought an item of cheap jewellery (less than a fiver)
- paid for the item almost instantly, in full with paypal
- waited for item until after ebays expected delivery date (8days)
- contacted seller to ask if it was posted yet
- seller says he doesn't have the item
- erm... OK, asked seller for a refund (as he didn't offer...) (rolls eyes)
- seller says no money in paypal, so it can't go thru till Friday (It was monday)
- After Friday comes and goes, contact seller again the following Monday
- seller says paypal is "messing him about" and it will be at least another week for refund
- I start a paypal claim
- I get my refund in 3 hrs
- I leave neutral feedback
- I GET AN EMAIL THE NEXT DAY SAYING I'M BANNED FROM BUYING!!
- ebay also remove all feedback I've left for the last month.

What he did
- didn't have the item he had listed
- didn't inform his buyer
- didn't offer a refund
- moved the buyers payment out of paypal, even though he knew he didn't have the item
- complained to ebay about the neutral feedback
- had feedback removed
- was allowed to continue selling on ebay without a care.

So, now they want to know if I will be recommending ebay to a friend.

Here's my answer

Oddly, no ebay.  I don't think I will be recommending ebay to any other buyers.  Despite your seeming to offer protection to buyers, your system of made up rules favours sellers to a ridiculous degree, since that is where you make your extortionate amount of cash - over 10% of every sale!.

Buyers who have problems should NOT complain or leave honest feedback, since if a seller is unhappy with that feedback and has EVENTUALLY refunded, ebay will find in their favour. Under their system, the "dispute" was resolved.  Regardless of it being the sellers fault.  Regardless of it taking several emails to get to the refund.  Regardless of the seller stalling at every stage and NOT having items to sell. Reghardless of the seller moving the money paid out of their paypal, even though they did not have the item to sell.  As long as eventually they refund, they are in the clear.   Buyers should NOT try to leave feedback which tells other buyers about a negative or neutral experience as that seller has, in effect, said their Hail Mary's and been completely absolved of all their sins.

Also, if you do sell your own stuff on ebay, be aware that this means your feedback takes on a whole new meaning in the eyes of the ebay police

- I was informed that because the item feedback I was "reported" for was in a category I had previously sold stuff in - Jewellery - I was, in fact, acting to "damage my competition" by leaving the negative or neutral feedback.   I actually buy more jewellery than I sell, and sell items every once in a while so that I can make room to buy more.  I sell maybe 10 items every three months or so.  Hardly a massive business with strategies to damage my competition.

Finally - you need to know that should anyone make a complaint about your feedback, ebay will then check ALL feedback left and if they find more than their arbitrary amount of negative feedback (This is in the detailed ratings mind, not the main feedback ) they will give you a ban without any contact with you whatsoever to state your side.

I have actually NEVER left a negative rating in my 12 years on ebay and 500 odd transactions.  I have NEVER recieved a negative either, and my detailed seller ratings are 4.9 and above across the board.  Maybe because I've also never ever ever...
- not had an item I was selling, I always get them out to photograph and then put them in a safe place
- not offered a refund if anything happened to an item beyond my control (never happened)
- removed a buyers money from my account before I've posted an item safely and had feedback to say it has arrived.

So, in conclusion, ebay's systems in place to protect sellers are stupidly and misguidedly strong, because they want sellers money.

As buyers, you seem to have protection, but it is a facade.  The phrase Caveat Emptor was never more true as it is when buying on Ebay.

Watch your backs, people.

Daisy xx

I wonder if they know? Reflections on being a teacher...

I wonder if they know?

Sometimes you do think quite lucidly about death, and about how you might be remembered.  Well, I do.  Its odd, placing yourself outside everything to try and think about how others will ultimately see you.

And I wonder about my daughter - how she will recall the days months and years during her childhood being put through the crap we get put through as teachers.  Will she recall the days I shut myself away when I got in from work due to the weight of stuff being asked of me.  Are those days when I was sweating over OFSTED inspections, lesson observations and the like going to stick in her mind as they stick in mine.

I know for a fact that I forget how much this job has taken over the years.  How tired I get, how mentally drained, how distracted I am.  I forget that its not just me that lives with the reality of teaching, but all my family.  The dreaded Sunday night has been a night to stay away from mum - the night when I'm turning all the next weeks tasks over in my head, and finishing planning, and marking and other stuff.  Weekends include being utterly shattered Friday night, getting everything you can't do through the week done on Saturday, and then Sunday the stress starts again, getting planning and marking done.  I always laugh at those telling me how lucky I am with all those holidays. - the ones where you spend half the week winding down, before spending the next half turning over what's coming in the next half term.

The longer breaks are great - but sooo bloody needed.  Christmas is an absolute blur, spent running up to christmas, then New year, and suddenly you're back to the grind.  Easter has become my favourite, time for a break and going back with the knowledge its just one term to summer.  And summer is respite in its purest form - I get to know my house again, see the world during the day, truly escape it all for a while.

I feel like I've probably just leapt from summer to cherished summer for my whole career.  Which is all of my daughter's life.  Never took her to school, or saw her at Sports day. Didn't take her to the docs or dentist.

Through all this, I truly wonder if the powers that be - Heads, or higher, politicians and the like - really know what its like to teach.  More and more, it seems there are things on their agenda that cut into my mental wellbeing immensely.   And more and more, it seems some of those things are there for the sole purpose of doing that very thing.  So I wonder.  I wonder what terrible misdeeds teachers ever did to deserve the seemingly deliberate undermining of their professionalism, their day to day grind and their value as people.

Or is it that they just don't realise?  No, that's ridiculous.  How can they fail to spot the dwindling morale of an entire profession, and continue with the onslaught of politically driven ill judged initiatives that make things ever more desperately depressing in education.

Sadly, I feel a little too battle weary these days to turn to other things, or make a noise about it.  I think I give enough of myself to it all as it is.  Weak, I know.  But its the reality.

 I bet they do bloody know.   Shame on them.

With a little Help from my friends...

Its that time of year again - looking back, looking forward, judging yourself, evaluating, all that shizz.

Its no real surprise that its a miserable time for loads of folk who struggle with various mental health issues.  To be surrounded by people either celebrating amazing achievements or strongly professing how they are going to set themselves right in the new year, just hammers home the difficulties they face.

Difficulties like realising what their achievements have been in the face of either negative voices form outside, or their own damning voices from within.

Or that feeling that everything that was wrong about this year will be even worse in the next.

Or the feeling that you know what needs to be done, but you can't see any way to get there.

The list could go on.  I know its a dreadfully destructive mindset.  So do the others with depressive issues.  Sadly there's the rub, folks.  It is a SET mind that keeps us down, and its as hard to tackle as things like alcoholism, drug addiction and the like.

Winter weather is a bugger too, and more so this year, with its endless gloomy rain stretching on day after day.  This year in particular, people with depression will be struggling with the New Year stuff more than ever.

BUT its is survivable.  It is beatable.  It is defeatable.  With help.

Help comes from the little things
- posting a catch up message to a friend that you have let slip a little
- recalling good times with others
- sharing the niggles and the crap that grinds us all down (yours and theirs - so they don't think its just them)
- giving out some positivity whether its asked for or not
- Just recognising that it is hard to "cheer up" sometimes is a huge thing.
- Give people time to come around, see the brighter side, take a step forward.
- dropping in for a brew - great for all concerned!
- Lend an ear, listen carefully, and try not to offer solutions unless they are asked for.
I'm sure  you can all think of other stuff too :)

So this new year, try not to "leave em to it" when someone is struggling to find the brightness in life.  Every little nudge of support will make a difference.   Definately nudge away - you'd be suprised what a difference it makes.  :)

Daisy xx

My Big Fat Rant about Body Image Stuff

I always hated shows like Ugly Betty that try their best to present different body models, but end up as a patronising shit soup of endless self justifying skinny folk saying stuff like "some of my best friends are unpretty..." and "you're pretty smart for a fat/ugly/mental/whateverlabeltheychoose girl".

But it seems E4 have taken my annoyances and amplified them. Its like some rancid, maggot riddled hand expecting me to let it squeeze my inflamed boil of fury.

New show My Big Fat Teenage Diary is about Rae who is 16, struggling to cope with being a teenager in the 90's.  That alone might have been interesting and at least worthy of a look see.  But then we have this - 

"Though Rae is over-weight and struggles with mental health issues, she’s still a fun-loving girl with a lust for life and a big crush on Liam Gallagher."

So, basically, even though she's FAT she will still be having fun. Oh Excellent, because I was thinking all fat people are miserable and sad on account of their poor fat bodies and the fact that no one likes them. 

From the trailer and the E4 blurb, it seems the thing that will "save" poor fat mental Rae is that she will become part of an entourage of "The coolest people I've ever met" and her life will have meaning where it had none before.

What an ace message - dear overweight fat girls with body image worries, the closest you will get to having a normal life is to latch on to a bunch of "cool kids" and hope some scraps of cool fall your way.

And the so called cool kids look like a bunch of Blue Wicked drinking Jocks and Mean Girls just desperate for a pal like Rae that they can set up for falls and patronise to maintain their deluded superiority over all.

NOW obviously, I haven't seen it.  But I just feel these elements need not be the show's selling points - Overweight girl, with mental issues, seeking acceptance from non overweight gang of so called "normal" kids.  As billed and as promoted, I can't see anything other than a disgustingly skewed presentation of what overweight girls with mental issues need to put themselves right - Normal friends, who can help her to conform i.e. become not overweight and not mental.

This blog was written before the show even airs.  Here's hoping that the heroine shows the gang of straights what a bunch of shallow twats they are and kicks them into touch, replacing them with friends of whatever shape size or mental capability they might be, for it need not be made a feature!!!

Here's hoping. 

Daisy xx

Ebay sucks donkeys.

Right, ebay.  Time to speak my mind.

A few weeks ago, out of the blue I got an email from ebay saying I was banned from buying because of leaving low detailed seller ratings.

No warning, no negotiations, just cut off for 90 days.

I had very recently had a seller who was extremely awkward with me, after I won an item.  Told me he no longer had the item but only after I mailed after a week to see if it had been posted.  I then had to request a refund, he didn't offer one.  He told me it would be a week.  I waited a week, it never came.  Then I mailed and he said paypal was at fault and it would take another week.  So I opened a case to get my refund, which then came within 2 hours :)

I left him feedback.  It was neutral, and said he wasn't forthcoming with refund and didn't sell the item.

It was after this I got my ebay email, saying I had left low detailed seller ratings and was trying to undermine my competitors.  Confusing, since I sell maybe half a dozen bits and pieces every few months, usually in school hols when I have time to make sure things are posted.

Now, I feel it was likely a complaint from this guy, who thinks because I got my refund I should have just shut my trap.  My feeling is that feedback is to inform other buyers that the seller isn't all that, and may decide not to sell and mess you about on a whim.

The guy emailed to ask for the neutral to be removed and I said no, and he was lucky wasn't a negative.  That must've rattled his cage I think.

Anyway, I stand by my ratings, and giving stroppy sellers the ratings I think they deserve.

However, I have currently NO right of reply or redress with ebay.

Here's another nark though - I can't BUY on ebay, but I can still SELL - because of course MY seller ratings are very high across the board as I'm not a dick and dont refuse to sell something if it is won for less than I like.  Also, because ebay makes MONEY from sellers, not from buyers, they will let me sell.  As far as ebay is concerned, buyers are ten a penny, so it costs them NOWT to ban a few to keep their sellers happy.

The more I think about how ebay has treated this, the more annoyed I get.  And its just not good to keep things inside to fester so I'm blogging.  Feel free to pass on this moan about the online giant EBAY being a bit of a twat to the little folk.  I'll feel better and more like I've had a say.

Ebay, you are a bunch of anal retentive, money grabbing bureaucrats.  Your ethics stink of corporate interference and low morals.

Oh and no, I won't be selling either so you can't still sponge your ten percent from me.

Daisy xx

Needs and Wants

Needs and wants - A comparison.

So, I'm a little bit reflective right now, because I'm doing a kind of gig soon, and its been a while. I have been thinking about whether or not it will all work after so long, and hoping my funny hasn't healed up on me.

The obvious things pop into my head - hmmm,  do I still need it? do I still want it? do I still have it?

Do I still need it?

Need has taken on a different meaning lately, and things I used to think I absolutely needed have been dropped from the list.  I think its because the NEED list is the scary one.  The list of things that will mess me up if I don't have them.  Those are things that should be solid.  Stability comes from keeping that list of things flowing in substatial amounts.  On the list are things like my family, my home, my job, some money, some medication, some peace and quiet times, sleep.

Now here are a few of the things that USED to be on the NEED list, and that I'm glad to say I've crossed off - writing, improv, comedy, theatre, pleasing people.

Don't get me wrong though, they aren't gone from my life.  I just moved them.   I moved them from the NEED list to the WANT list.  I realised that I'd been holding those particularly things on my need list in error.  I really really thought I needed them.  Sometimes I thought I couldn't keep going without them.  Sometimes I thought they were the things that made me, well, me!  

And those times were way way too hard to hold on to.  But I kept on thinking I NEEDED those things, because I thought that if I didn't need them, I'd lose them.

Then one day I crossed them off the need list.  I stopped worrying too much about them. I stopped trying to share myself out between the real needs and the ones I'd kind of created.  I thought I'd just sink then.  Become one of the straights. Become a boring nobody.   At first I thought I'd given in.  That life's demands had robbed me of those other things, and that being ill now meant I had to let them go.  To some extent I think this is true, but what has changed is how bothered I am by it.  Or not so bothered.  I think I came to realise that those things should have been in the WANTS list all along.  Those things are supposed to be a choice, really. Not something you do because you feel compelled in order to feel whole.  I realised a lot of those things were about proving something, and about seeking approval.  I'm kind of proud to say I no longer give that much of a shit.  Perhaps I'm entering that OLD PEOPLE phase, where you just aren't arsed what people think.  Oh, I know lots of young people *think* they are in that phase.   They aren't.  They just want everyone to think they don't give a shit.   It really isn't the same as actually not giving a shit.  Not so much not caring anymore, more like not worrying about it.

Anyway, I'm there.  At the "not too bothered" stage.  It is amazingly liberating.  Though I still expect the worrysome feeling to kick in any minute, it just doesn't seem to.  Perhaps because when I think about what might happen if...  , there really isn't anything to be scared of or worried about.  I'm much happier being myself.

Do I still WANT it?

Oh hell yeah.  And if stuff happens then it happens.  If I get the urge, I write.  If not, no big whoop.  If I was asked to do funny stuff, I'd think about it, but I'm not worried about not doing it.   I know I still could, I know that I did, I know that I loved it and lived it.  I just don't feel like I have stuff to prove.  That said, I love to entertain, to write, to interact, and I know that won't change.  So yeah, I do still want it.

Do I Still Have it?

Well, whatever the hell "it" is, then as long as I live and breathe its gonna be there when I want it to be. It is gonna be there because its part of me, even more so now that I'm not doing stuff because I feel I need to.  I'm doing stuff because I want to.  Will I still be funny?  This I don't know.  Will it matter if they don't like me - Ahh that one I know - nope, it won't.   I will be myself.  I will be charming, I will revel in the humour I'm seeing, and enjoy sharing how I see things.  I'll grin, smirk and chuckle at meself and my thoughts - whether anyone else joins in is academic.  I'll enthuse.  Its what I do.  It might be contagious, might not be, but it won't change the fact that I'm enthused.  I'll be fired up, animated, ebullient and i'll genuinely enjoy it. It's a given.  A constant.   Law. Of. Daisy. Physics.

So here's what is certain - I'll be fired up, animated, ebullient and i'll genuinely enjoy it.

And seriously, people,  what the hell else matters?

Daisy xx

Stages in the Life Cycle Of A Depressive Butterfly

Fucking butterflies....?  This blog is actually nowt to do with butterflies.  Bloody analogies, Eh.

Still, I guess they serve a purpose, in that they sometimes allow others to latch onto something we are thinking and feel like they "get it" a little.

So, picture a cocoon.  Inside, protected from the things that might do damage by a hardened shell of meds, trusted routines, and somewhat isolated from the world for a time, is a fragile thing.   A fragile thing trying to heal a little, and attempting a metamorphosis, a huge shift of both mind and body.  That shift is potentially huge, and takes a mighty effort.  Its a shift that MUST occur in order for the fragile thing to move on, grow, blossom, even thrive again...

That's me, then.  In my cocoon right now.  Have been for some time, having thrown out the stuff that might take my energies away from changing, from coping.  The cocoon I created was warm, safe, had less stress, mostly because I created it by cutting out a lot of things from my life - performing, comedy, writing (thought I kept a little of this one) improv, socialising, theatre, and sadly some of the friends that went with those things...   It was insular, more limited, an attempt to concentrate on the really important stuff like just getting up every day, going to work, staying focussed, managing financially, managing mentally...   I kept my focus on the very barest of essentials for surviving - the people I love and trust, keeping a roof over our heads, keeping my balance mentally.

And over time, from within that cocoon, I have begun to feel stronger. I'm actually starting to feel like I can cope with most things.  I am actually managing to convince myself I'm not all bad. (a HUGE achievement in itself!!)  Occasionally, these days, I smile to myself. (I know!!!)   I'm starting to plan further ahead than a week or so.  I am definitely starting to change.

Now here's the bugger, will it be a change for good or bad? - Was there a fly in the booth ( I end up falling apart, turning into a monster and trying to take everything down with me like Jeff Goldblums Brundlefly) , or am I actually going to be able to wriggle free of this self-made cocoon and fly again?

The fact that I actually miss the flying has to be a good sign, right?.  That I'm even pondering such things now, and remembering stuff with affection, instead of putting it out of my head like an alcoholic banning all thoughts of drink.  That is great in the truest sense of the word, isn't it?

I'm nowhere near being there yet.  I still feel much happier in the cocoon.  But I'm maybe thinking about how I can cut a wee peep hole in that shell, to tentatively observe from behind my hide.  I'm feeling far more open to joining in again.

I've not changed completely though, for as soon as I do allow myself to think about getting out more, doing more stuff, flying a little bit, that is when the darker part of me chips in.  Ahhh my old friend Little Miss Self-doubt (I should write that book!) - with worries about not being able to do it anymore, worries that I just don't have it, I'm too far out of the loop, no-one will let me back in, I should just stay where I am, I'm not good enough, things have moved on now etc etc etc.  If there was a medal for finding reasons why I should stay home from the party of life, I'd win gold. Well, silver.  Actually I'd probably not even place...  (Oh here we go....)

Just Kidding, I'm more able to see what a turgid, stagnant habit that is, and try at least to shake it off.

And that's where I am now in the cycle - trying to shake off the cocoon, come out of the shell a little, dip my toe in the water and other such analogies that help you guys to see that I do intend to take back some of the stuff I've put to oneside.  I do intend to claw my way back.  I do want to build some bridges again.  There is a butterfly waiting to....  Ok Ok... Stupid analogy... ;)

I'm hoping some of you old pals will still be around, but if not, then I'll just have to make some new pals, eh.  :P

To help, should you be so inclined, just say hi.  That's all I'll need to leap back in I think - a few hello's, a few "where the fuck have you been"s, y'know - same ol same ol.....  Them as don't ask...

Debs - Daiz, whichever....  :)

What I'm really saying is... (School reports translated)

Yes, its that time of year again, when teachers everywhere struggle with the dilemma of telling parents what they think about their kids, without actually TELLING the parents what they think of their kids - fearing that the parents will smack them upside the head.

Here then, is my guide to what (some) teachers (not me, though) are really trying to say about little Johnny Smartarse, Penelope Pickanose, Bobby Bumblebutt and Vic Astushort-planks. (None of whom are in my class)

IT SAYS...Has made a significant contribution to class discussion...
IT MEANS- basically, your kid rattles on and on about utter shite for most of the time, usually until another kid smacks him or her in the mouth and they start bawling.

IT SAYS...Prefers to work as part of a group...
IT MEANS - You mollycoddle your kid, so they can't do anything for themselves, and rely on their peers to carry them the same way you do.

IT SAYS...is beginning to develop skills in...   
IT MEANS - They can't do it.  At all.  The only way they can do whatever it is, is if the teacher walks them through it step by step, spoonfeeding them the answers.

IT SAYS ...is always enthusiastic about ....  
IT MEANS - Again, they can't bloody do it.  But they like to think they can.  They are deluded, probably due to over praise from you bloody parents...

IT SAYS ...needs occasional reminders to stay on task.... 
IT MEANS - Your child is in cloud cuckoo land most of the time, and would be distracted by air.  Cross out "Stay On Task" and change it to "Stay On This Planet.."

IT SAYS ...has a challenging mind...
IT MEANS - Your kid is a right bloody know it all, who thinks teachers are there to answer his constant whining enquiries instead of teaching the whole class.

IT SAYS ...needs to improve their presentation skills...
IT MEANS - Your kid writes like a spastic spider dipped in ink.  Trying to read their scrawl is a daily soul destroying exercise in futility.

IT SAYS ...really needs to remember their PE Kit...  
IT MEANS - Your kid is followed around by a cloud of stench to rival school dinner cabbage and garlic bread day.  Wash their kit, for fucks sakes.  And wash the kid.

IT SAYS ...is a delight to teach ....
IT MEANS - No one knows your kid's name because they sit at the back and say bugger all about bugger all.  Wallpaper kid.  Flatter than Flat Stanley.  Put a personality on their christmas list, before its too late.

So there you have it.  You know I speak the truth.

Daiz xx