Friday, 30 December 2011

Winning - no, not Tiger Blood, Daisy Blood!!

Here's what I know. This time of year is really hard for people like me. That is people who identify with any of the following -

Slightly mental, self absorbed, prone to paranoia, on medication, bi-polar, introspective, intellegent, overly self-critical, too confident/lacking confidence (Its a see-saw) self destructive, prone to depressive thoughts, prone to manic thoughts, think too much, worry too much, control obsessed, bloody idiots.

I just get really stupidly worrysome about the year to come, and then regretful and guilty about the tiniest of issues from the year just about to finish. Then there's the gloom. Its so pervasive at times, and hard to shake. I think to myself "Don't think about the small stuff, you know like that time when..." and Oh shit, I'm thinking about it again and dwelling, and being a dick.

Its been a bit different this year though, so maybe my usual pattern isn't quite so tram tracked into predictability. Medication helps. Supportive people help. Positive attitudes help. No really, I was hugely cynical, but have been kind of "Well, it'll either be shit or not, so fuckling get on with it" this year, and I'm pleased to say that mostly, its NOT been shit.

And behold THIS revelation - I think it was down to me. I did it. I was making good choices. I was stopping myself from getting too negative. I was fighting it. And I have been winning quiite a lot. Not in a Ohhh crap, I'm definately mental, Charlie Sheen Tiger Blood kind of way - in an Actually I'm bloody good and my biggest gripe is with the dicks who don't see that! kind of way.

This year those eejits have been the enemy, not me. I don't know exactly when I made the change, but I did. I don't know if it will last, either, as I'm still VERY skilled at destroying my achievements from the comfort of my own tiny mind. But I'm going on fighting next year, because someone has to stand up for me, especially since it seems everyone else is gonna be busy fighting to keep themselves above water, eh... ;)

Sunday, 6 November 2011

Kudos to Susan Boyle..

.. She seems to have got herself sorted.

I remember crying me eyes out at her audition, and following her story with mixed feelings.

I was truly worried for her - she seemed such a fragile person, vulnerable and so exposed. People jumped at the chance to take the piss out of her obvious difficulties in behaving appropriately in the limelight, or her total lack of self awareness, or her less than attractive appearance, or her mental weaknesses and temperament.

She was such an easy target, but perhaps that worked both positively and negatively for her. On the one hand, she was ripped apart without mercy by comedians and commentators, who took advantage of the fact that people really didn't 'get' her and were therefore very ready to laugh at her rather than with. On the other hand, that meant she was always in the news and her name was everywhere. It made her "fame" implode, really, so that whatever you thought about her, you certainly knew her name.

Susan was just strange enough to be held up for ridicule, but not so obviously disabled that it would be seen as inappropriate. But should it have been? Would people have been so ready to take the piss if she had been blind, like Andrea Botecelli? or if she had a more visible problem, like having Downs Syndrome? The trouble with Susan was that her difficulties, though absolutely obvious, weren't pinned down to anything that people would feel meant you shouldn't take the piss. So despite it being really obvious that she had learning difficulties and some odd behaviours, and that she struggled with her mental wellbeing, she came in for some horrendous media bullying.

Hearing more about her life just made alarm bells ring even louder. All her life she had been bullied. She had struggled with friendships and relationships, she had relied on and been supported by her parents, and therefore was completely at sea when they were no longer there. Was our hunger for reality TV now going to chew her up and leave her to perish?

Well, it seems not, and I am really heartened by that. I'm heartened that, for whatever reason, people all over the world chose to take her onboard despite all the name calling. They decided to buy her records. They decided to hold her up as a symbol of their dreams. They decided to support her regardless of her weirdness, because that's what they would want people to do for them. And it seems there were bloody loads of people who took this "do as you would be done by" attitude. Loads and Loads of people who were themselves challenged in some borderline way that made them the butt of easy jokes, targets for bullying, vulnerable to the harshness of critics who jump on the slightest imperfections. Loads and loads of people who saw something in Susan and the reactions she got and decided it wasn't fair, and it wasn't how they would behave.

That's got to be a hopeful thing in this day and age. That people will make someone like Susan Boyle their superstar - spend their money on her records instead of some of the other cynical money grabbing pop products on the market.

But I still had niggles - for all that fame, pressure and change, what was SHE getting out of it. From what I'd read and seen, she didn't give a toss for the money. Watching the documentary tonight about how she was coping with the changes, I got a better idea. Seems that the biggest thing she is getting is company. Knowing that there are people out there - Loads and Loads of them as I said earlier - who actually don't think she's a bit weird, who don't see her as ugly, odd, old, fat, thick, different, but instead see her as JUST LIKE THEM!! So, like she said on the doc, the biggest thing she has now, in spades, is kinship. To feel that she's the same, not different. To no longer feel lonely.

Anyway, screw the money she has made, the fact that people around her have made it possible for her to perform, make records, travel, make appearances etc with as little stress and worry for her as possible is a good thing. The fact that its still doable to be a megastar despite having issues like those that have held you back for so long, that is a good good thing.

So, good on you Susan. Here's to you, and those around you supporting and enabling. And here's to a world that buys your records and says "Yes you can" to your dreams. I like it.

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Letter to my mum.

Dear mum

Eee, I can't believe its been two years. Sometimes seems like yesterday I was up at yours, showing you that little notebook PC for looking at photos on. I know this letter is on the internet, but we were talking about getting on the internet last time i saw you, so I figured you'd have found a way to check things out down here by now. Unless all this afterlife stuff is bullshit, in which case its a mute point. Sorry about saying bullshit. Anyway, I like to think you are always on facebook these days, checking out our gossip and catching up...

I've done lots on the house recently - you'd not recognise the place! Had the hall stairs and landing carpets done, new kitchen and kitchen floor, new bathroom floor and ceiling, new bedroom. The bit you probably didn't like was me cutting down all my lovely trees and bushes and having it all gravelled over. Still, it does look neater now, and you can see in through the windows if you are ever... in the area. :)

Rob's out of work at the mo, which is a bit sh.. rubbish. Hopefully it won't be for too much longer, but things are tough for lots of folk at the mo, and in the grand scheme of things, we are doing OK. Still, keep your eyes peeled for us, and if you do have any sway, fate wise, then feel free to sway things our way.

Sally is growing up fast. Even has a boyfriend. He's called Dave but we call him goat boy. Still doing amazing at school, and I'm just so damned proud of her. Can't believe how bloody sensible she is really - I reckon you are influencing her from afar!! She's at North Chadd still, but in sixth form doing Art, History, Media and some others. She's certainly loving the Art - definately making you and me very proud there. :) The work she did for her GCSE's was amazing - she got 9 by the way, 7 A's a B and a C, miles better than I did. But you probably knew that already :) Keep an eye on her, won't you...

Me, I'm doing alright. Keeping going, trying to get things that bother me sorted out, and keeping my head above water for the most part. Things do seem to be a bit less of a drama these days, although I still have huge black days when I lose perspective a little bit. They're fewer though, and I feel like I'm generally less scared of myself these days.

Oooh me and Degs are going on a cruise at Easter - from New Orleans. It's going round the western Caribbean - Mexico, Camen Islands, Jamaica - Its keeping me going through the tough bits at the mo.

Miss you. At the most stupid times as well, like at half term. I taught myself how to tie this special knot that is used in the latest bracelet craze - Shambala bracelets. Found myself thinking lots about you, your crafty ways. All those ponchoes and bedsocks and stuff came flooding in - I even found that crochetted bikini thing you made me. Bet you are knitting away wherever you are. I made lots of lovely bracelets and I could almost hear you approving from afar.

Love you, mum. Never said it enough, but then nobody ever does really. But I do. Still. And always will.

Take care,

Debs xx

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

The one about taking responsibility for shit you cause...

Sheesh, scary bloody times. I know it wasn't just young male dissaffected, but can we please stop saying it was a cross section of society actually looting and vandalising - it wasn't, bar the odd utter dickwad that is now getting lots of news coverage to try and show something that isn't there - it was MOSTLY young male unemployed dissaffected youths.

So I think we are agreed that the mostly young male disaffected youths
* are having a whale of a time
* are fucking idiots
* have no respect for authority
* are having the most exciting time they have ever experienced
* have no concept of the consequences of their actions
* are jobless and fixated on getting "stuff"

Now, my previous carking on about the causes of the rioting and looting has got somewhat lost since many innocent angry folk see that as me making excuses for the perps behaviour - its not. But without finding and thinking about root causes we can't move on - its not excusing anything, okay. We are agreed, they are criminal fuckwits. Right now lets move on...

Lets have a looksee at what people have said about what might happen or have happened to cause, exaserbate, add to, make all this shit happen now, in this climate, during this government's tenure in no 10.

Here are some of the things I've heard folk blurt out during the last few days as possible solutions or causes etc.

"They are mindless thugs" - I don't think they ARE mindless, they know exactly what they want - STUFF, ecitement, something to do. solution must be education then, get them thinking about more than just acquiring stuff. but education budget is being cut right left and centre - Oh dear. Rethink that maybe?

"I see they aren't touching the bookstores - maybe if they read a book once in a while this wouldn't be happening!" - Library closures EVERYWHERE. Oh dear. Rethink that then, maybe

"They should try a stint in the army.." - Ohh but massive redundancies in the armed services and cuts to defence budgets.. Eek - Another rethink then?

"Why aren't they at youth clubs like I was when I was their age" Oh bugger, HUGE numbers of youth facilities closed in budget cuts. Fuck! Rethink?

"What about getting them more involved in their communities and local areas?" Ohh yes, good idea - erm looks like lots of initiatives to do that, set up under labour, have been just stopped. No after school clubs, no extra funding for schools to do just that... Oh, fucking dear, indeed. Re mfucking Think needed. maybe?

"Bollocks to solutions, they need to be more scared of the consequences - they want locking up!" - Well, y'see, cuts to the already overstretched prison service mean fewer places for them to be locked up, or if they are, short sentences are all we can afford after the cuts so... rethink, then.

"Make em do community service..." - Yep, but Social services and probation services for young offenders - ohhh they're stretched because of budget cuts and redundancies.

"Better into work programs or careers advice might have helped..." Again, in many deprived areas, businesses like Connexions who do that work have made massive redundancies due to local government cuts - in the place my hubby USED to work, Salford - 12 people cut to 4. Still maybe that isn't gonna impact, might be worth a rethink anyway?

"More police on the streets would have sorted this sooner" - Police. Huge Cuts. Bugger. And again, self explanatory - rethink.

Now then, people. Lets talk about responsibilities. Yes, these selfish little cunts need dealing with. They need to be able to take responsibility for their idiotic choices and criminal actions. But so do we. Its our responsibility to see that that they are dealt with. Its our responsibility to accept that the current climate does indeed have some bearing on what has happened and what will continue to happen to disaffected youth in this country. Its our responsibility NOT to simply say they are criminals and that is the end of it. Its our responsibility to look again at cuts to crucial areas that are going to make a difference as to how these little cunts CAN be dealt with.

Cameron? Clegg? Miliband? Beuller? Anyone? We need a fucking, big ass rethink....

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

Android or iPhone - Its a political thing...

So, I think the choice between the iPhone and Android Phones may reflect your basic political leanings.

You are more likely to choose Android if...

You prefer to have more control over how things work, and be involved in making things better for everyone.

You like the idea of things being "open" and "In the public domain"

You like the fact that anyone can contribute to the whole "way things work", including sharing great ideas and ways to get things done, without too much red tape getting in the way.

You are looking for something that changes and progresses quickly, based on not just corporate ideas, but those of the community at large who want to be involved.

You like that there is the freedom to make your own impact, show individuality and be proud of the way you have things running.

You also like the fact that everyone else is allowed to do the same, and that no two set ups are exactly the same.

You cherish diversity and sharing knowledge.


You are more likely to choose iPhone if...

its important to you that other people think you have the best things out there.

You aren't so bothered about how things work, just that they do.

You are not so much concerned with who, how, why things are the way they are. That's something that other people decide.

You are proud that the things you have are seen as the market leaders, and that lots of effort has gone into making your brand image.

You like to identify with corporate and monetary successes.

You think that input from the common users should be regulated to ensure that the standards remain high.

You are happy to buy into something great, instead of having to make decisions for yourself.

You are a supporter of hard working people who get what they deserve for their money.

You think sharing, be it knowledge, ideas, wealth, things - leads to lazy people getting things they don't deserve on the back of your hard work.

You think people with the knowledge and ideas should show good business sense and get them trademarked, tied down and start profitting!!


So, which side are you on?

This blog was obviously written with about as much bias as there could be towards freedom, democracy and the android way :) xx

Saturday, 26 February 2011

Shiny Black Plastic Smartphones suck donkeys. EOM

Well, not quite EOM since I'm now going to rattle on like a narky grandma about why I'm so damned unsatisfied with the new Smartphones coming out.

I just compared my Nexus One (The supposed google phone failure???) to the latest HTC Desire S handset. Its the same, except for some updated GSM stuff like HSDPA, HSUPA improvements, and BT3. After 13 months? Seriously?

The same chip, well a second version but the same Snapdragon 1GHz, not a dual core or anything fancy.

Same camera - with added touch focus. Bet I could get that via a software update.

Same size, weight, screen (now S-LCD not AMOLED)

Some backwards steps even - no trackball, only in BLACK!!, so no classy brushed brown-grey metal or teflon coating. Dorks.

What in holy cock is going on at the design offices of these smartphone peeps, that they think Black is the new Black?

I reckon there are some serious S and M Fetishists running things, considering the amount of shiny black plastic flying around on these new devices. Its not that I want some chintz in its place or anything, just something a little less cheap and nasty looking.

So, Nexus One, my little failure (I KNOW, RIGHT!!!!) I love you still. I've had this phone for 13months now, and still I'm struggling for ANYTHING to make me switch. That, my techy friends, is bloody sad. Get your fingers out - I want more than just a bit of faster GSM potential (My signal is governed by flaky network anyway so it totally has an Asterisk next to that saying subject to a whole ass load of other factors.)

What I have to choose from currently is a whole load of black shiny plastic junk (well, thats on first glance...)

Xperia Arc - Good specs, and Sony have good cameras, but they mess with my OS too much, so i'm not that drawn... Plus no front camera or trackball

LG 3D - Oooh so 3D sounds like fun for a few hours out the box, but hardly a game changer for day to day for me anyways.

Nexus S2 - Again lovely specs but its a placky cheapo lightweight thing I wouldn't feel was worth the 600 quid I bet they will be charging (Could maybe get it on contract, but not without some huge monthly tarrif and endless minutes that I never use)

I just want something great to hold and efficient to use.

C'mon, money is burning a hole right now, stop licking the balls of the iPhone knobheads and give me something to yearn for. I'm looking at you, HTC.

Friday, 14 January 2011

Book Of Eli Epic Twitter Review.

CAUTION - UNBRIDLED IRREVERENCE. (And some f words)
PLUS SPOILERS. ALTHOUGH THAT TERM MAY BE AN OXYMORON IN THIS CASE.

This twitter review was written in real time whilst watching Book Of Eli
Book Of Eli Tweet 1 - We're 20 minutes in, and he has eaten a cat and read a book fer a bit. Bag. Of. Shite. So. Far.

Book Of Eli Tweet 2 - He just did an impression of Wes Snipes in Blade. Now he's honing his image of the baddest Jehovas Witness EVAH!!!

Book of Eli Tweet 3 - Things might be looking up. Tom Waits just arrived.

Book of Eli Tweet 4 - Nope. Still shit. But I'll keep you posted if it changes. Don't hold your breath....

Book Of Eli Tweet 5 temptation falls in the path of "black Kwai Chang Caine" Not so much a tangled web, more a bit of a knot in some cotton

Book Of Eli tweet 6 - Can't believe I'm actually holding off waxing my tache for this....

Book of Eli Tweet 7 - I just wrenched all the tiny hairs out of my top lip as I thought it would be less painful than watching the film.

Book of Eli tweet 8 - He has a companion now, like a religious Dr Who. But shit.

Book of Eli Tweet 9 - He's no Samuel Jackson with the Bible Quoting. More like a bible episode of Jackanory. With Denzel as Derek Griffiths

Book Of Eli Tweet 10 - Why is this film so dark? Because it's up it's own arse.

Book Of Eli Tweet 11 - I just perked up at Francis De La Tour. Fucking Quality, but a bit like popping a diamond atop a curly turd.

Book Of Eli tweet 12 - arse, the diamond that was De La Tour just bit it. Looks like the sparkler sank beneath the bum egg without trace..

Book Of Eli Tweet 13 - Nice belly laugh from the big truck reversing with a beeping sound. Still, its no "Hangover"....

Book Of Eli tweet 14 - David At Dentist:On "Is this gonna be forever??" David At Dentist:Off

Book Of Eli Tweet 15 - Holy carp, now they're dragging folk from The Nexus to help out. Weak.

Book Of Eli Tweet 16 - Balls, he could be making any old shit up. Like Hurley in Lost rewriting the script for Return Of The Jedi!!

Book Of Eli Tweet 17 - Cool, the ultimate advert for the consumer society at the end - she's got it all on her iPod.

Book Of Eli Tweet 18 - Its OVER!!!! There ya go, I watched it so no one else has to...

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

The Bum Sex Question revisited :) Rated xxx

Thought I'd post some of my Facebook Notes on OOMTM - Just.

Out Of My Tiny Mind 2 - Everything you ever wanted to know about Bum Sex (rated XXX)
by Daisy Connolly on Sunday, 05 July 2009 at 14:04

If your reading this and you are offended by the idea of bum stuff, be it touching,playing, or entering, then STOP reading. You'll not like it. It's not for you. Really, STOP. NOW.

OKay if you're still reading I'm assuming you are a mature open person and will not be offended by talk of taking it up the arse, okay? Okay.

Writing that first warning bit there reminded me of the ads for cereal where the parents try to convince the kids they won't like it. Like the pleasures it holds are not to be shared, but held on to like a special secret. There's a look you get when a group of adults bring up bum sex, from the people who have actually tried it. Its a kind of gentle smile of recognition that the others really and truly do not know what they are missing. And I'm still in two minds whether to write this blog, because to be honest, if people are convinced that all bum play is the devils work, maybe I should just smile knowingly and nod my head - after all, we don't want everyone doing it, do we.

I do want to share some insights though, in the interest of balance, because a healthy sex life is everyone's right, surely.

The pleasurable pandoras box that is Anal Sex is surrounded by myth. And an Arseload of Cultural Taboosabout bums. Myths and cultutral taboos are the things that keep most people from experimenting. Myths like these :- It Hurts. You'll get poo on you. It smells bad. and of course - IT HURTS.

Lets start with the whole poo thing - In my experience, if you need a poo, you likely won't be thinking about anal sex. In my experience, the only time you are likely to get any poo on you is when you are shortly going to poo. And just like you wouldn't really get a hard on when you really need to piss, you probably not gonna embark on a big ol sex romp with a tummy ache telling you you have other pressing matters. So. Wipe your arse properly. Shit and Shower beforehand, and poo is not gonna be a major issue.

The smell thing - it's gonna be controversial, but most sex involves a degree of odour. Usually, those odours are deliciously appetising when we are turned on. You either like those smells or you don't. I know of folks who shower before and after, because they truly don't enjoy the musk of arousal. Others salivate at the thought of those same aromas. So, if you have real hang ups about body smells in general, then you'll prolly have a few other hurdles to jump in your pursuit of sexual pleasure (You probably don't do oral yet either) before you leap towards the bum. :) As with all sexual exploring, wash first, and wash after, and everything in between will take care of itself.

Oooh and now the big one - it hurts. Pain and pleasure have always held hands a little, but there are ways to find the best mix of the two to suit you. Part of the sensuality of anal play is that it needs a lot of trust and co-operation - otherwise, yeah, it'll likely hurt.

So when you're ready, (Maybe on your own first, then with a partner) Get some lube. KY is the most well known and easily available - the gel stuff in tubes is quite sticky though and some prefer the slightly thinner feel of the more expensiveliquid lubes as they allow more sensations to be experienced. I like this stuff myself...http://www.bedroompleasures.co.uk/sex-toys/Lubricants.89/Warming-Lubes.91/ID-Pleasure-80ml-Squeeze-Bottle.307.html
STEP 1 - start small - looking and touching. And don't forget the lube. There's ALWAYS time for lube... Then the curiously childish rhyme is a good guide for the next step
STEP 2: One finger, one thumb, Keep moving. When your happy with touching you can move on.
STEP 3 - Toy with it - use a good sex toy, one that you are happy to "imagine" being used. It's a bit like when you lose a filling, and you can't see the cavity, but you can feel it with your tongue and it seems HUGE. Any toy back there feels, well, bigger than it is, so buy a pocket vibe and off you go..
STEP 4 - might or might not happen, depending on whether you have enjoyed the earlier steps - penetrative sex needs a lot of trust, practise and care. You both need to want it badly enough to be bothered to take it slower than a snail wank. The rewards are obvious if you've enjoyed the play stages.

Right - now all that's out in the open, maybe you'll at least have a better understanding of A) why anal sex is so sought after by guys, and B) why Anal Sex is avoided by so many women.

Here endeth the first sex advice clinic by the Dr Ruth of Stand Up, Daisy Connolly.

Now bugger off.

Monday, 10 January 2011

Black Swan - Might be a bit spoilery....but not specific :)

Black Swan

(STOP!! IF you haven't yet seen it, this might be considered a bit spoilery, although NO SPECIFIC PLOT DETAILS are discussed - Just sayin.)

I really really enjoyed this cinematic peep into the heart of madness. For me, that’s what it was – a picture from within - of what it must be like to gradually lose all sense of reality and succumb to the darkness of mental illnesses such as schizophrenia and to some extent, depression and manic depression. To know that things are not right, that you need to get a grip, shake it off – and yet be utterly helpless to stem the tide of paranoia and delusion that grips the mind when such an illness is doing its worst.

These things seem to grip at the very worst of times – the mind’s cries of “Noooo, not right now, when I’m about to get that promotion, or sit that exam, or compete in that race etc” those times when we are pushing ourselves to the very limit (whether we know it or not) are the very times we are most vulnerable. And whilst I’ve never been quite so grippingly dramatic in my self delusion, I’ve suffered many a moment of utterly irrational darkness fed and nurtured by my own self destructive tendencies. And nearly always at the very worst, most inconvenient of times.
The flip side for me being those equally deluded and irrational highs - dreams and plans of soaring high on my achievements.

But my own struggles are never anywhere near as pronounced or as signposted as the ones in the film, and I’m thankful for that aspect of the storytelling here. For at least throughout we know this is a fiction, because things are maybe too neat and single stranded for it to be a true depiction of such illnesses. The truth tends to be a lot more fragmented, and thus delusions and their causes are harder to spot, recognise, own and control. The complexity of mental illnesses, and the depth of their root causes make them difficult to explain to others, and therefore so much misunderstanding still surrounds conditions like Schizophrenia, BiPolar disorders and severe despression.

Thankfully, this is a piece of fiction, a truly gripping, highly entertaining depiction of the Blackness. It twists and turns with all the grace, drama and forboding of the Tragic Ballet at its centre. Well worth a watch. Highly recommended.

Sunday, 9 January 2011

Open letter to those two tw*ts in the Match Dot Com Ad.

Right, that’s it. The pair of you need to sit down and listen to a few fricken home truths, you shallow donkeys.

Ok Firstly OLD MOVIES .... Like the WHAT? The fucking GODFATHER? You bloody clueless embryo. Admitedly, had you stopped your “Oooh listen me I’m quirky cos I sing like I’m humming in a lift” ditty there, you would at least have given an indication that you like GOOD movies, but OLD??? That my deluded pal is NOT a fucking OLD movie – try something like Moonfleet or Ace In The Hole or Night Of The Hunter or The Searchers or the Maltese Falcon or basically anything that was made say before you were born, because truly, the whole world, not just movies, was better before you two came along, you waste of carbon.

Oooh but you didn’t stop there, you said “Godfather (Comedy pause...) Three”, like you were the Jimmy Carr of Funny reveal jokes, embarrassingly indicating you like a laugh, but for the most part no one else laughs with you because you have a hole where your sense of funny should be.

“Its not considered the best one, but that’s just me...” Now usually, people say shit like “that’s just me...” when they really mean “but they are wrong, and I know better....” I’m going to assume that’s what you were going for and say this – Your only hope is to have your entire personality wiped like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but don’t bother to try for just the stuff you think you know about movies, get rid of everything. Safer all round. Good. That’s that bit tourniqueyed.

Secondly, what the cock are the pair of you doing exactly, moping around in a second hand musical instruments shop dressed like you took about three hours to decide what to wear and still ended up looking like a really vain tramp. Seriously, were you going for the “I’m so not bothered about my looks because I’m so well balanced” thing that fashion knobheads on Carnaby Street think they have down? You know it doesn’t work, right? You are just the modern equivalent of the Naked Emperor, with your obvious vanity gonads slapping your bare thighs in the wind, making the rest of us stare in disbelief at your overt incognisance.

The pair of you are as bad as each other, you with your carefully sculpted bedhead hair, and her with that bloody “Enid Blyton Chic” look. No wonder you are both in some charity shop sans mates, bet you reckon you like your own company and you are “comfortable in your own skin”. I’ll tell you why you like your own company, its because over the years and years you have spent self obsessing and honing that choreographed casual look, everybody who has ever known you has walked away relieved at the fact they escaped the narcissistic black hole you have become.

So, now you are looking for someone “like you” at Match dot Com so that you can share your obvious social broke-dick-dog-ness? Well, I’m hoping with all my bloody might that you two don’t actually get together and breed, you pair of unfortunates. Because then we really do got some problems, Houston.