Friday, 30 December 2011

Winning - no, not Tiger Blood, Daisy Blood!!

Here's what I know. This time of year is really hard for people like me. That is people who identify with any of the following -

Slightly mental, self absorbed, prone to paranoia, on medication, bi-polar, introspective, intellegent, overly self-critical, too confident/lacking confidence (Its a see-saw) self destructive, prone to depressive thoughts, prone to manic thoughts, think too much, worry too much, control obsessed, bloody idiots.

I just get really stupidly worrysome about the year to come, and then regretful and guilty about the tiniest of issues from the year just about to finish. Then there's the gloom. Its so pervasive at times, and hard to shake. I think to myself "Don't think about the small stuff, you know like that time when..." and Oh shit, I'm thinking about it again and dwelling, and being a dick.

Its been a bit different this year though, so maybe my usual pattern isn't quite so tram tracked into predictability. Medication helps. Supportive people help. Positive attitudes help. No really, I was hugely cynical, but have been kind of "Well, it'll either be shit or not, so fuckling get on with it" this year, and I'm pleased to say that mostly, its NOT been shit.

And behold THIS revelation - I think it was down to me. I did it. I was making good choices. I was stopping myself from getting too negative. I was fighting it. And I have been winning quiite a lot. Not in a Ohhh crap, I'm definately mental, Charlie Sheen Tiger Blood kind of way - in an Actually I'm bloody good and my biggest gripe is with the dicks who don't see that! kind of way.

This year those eejits have been the enemy, not me. I don't know exactly when I made the change, but I did. I don't know if it will last, either, as I'm still VERY skilled at destroying my achievements from the comfort of my own tiny mind. But I'm going on fighting next year, because someone has to stand up for me, especially since it seems everyone else is gonna be busy fighting to keep themselves above water, eh... ;)