Friday, 14 January 2011

Book Of Eli Epic Twitter Review.

CAUTION - UNBRIDLED IRREVERENCE. (And some f words)
PLUS SPOILERS. ALTHOUGH THAT TERM MAY BE AN OXYMORON IN THIS CASE.

This twitter review was written in real time whilst watching Book Of Eli
Book Of Eli Tweet 1 - We're 20 minutes in, and he has eaten a cat and read a book fer a bit. Bag. Of. Shite. So. Far.

Book Of Eli Tweet 2 - He just did an impression of Wes Snipes in Blade. Now he's honing his image of the baddest Jehovas Witness EVAH!!!

Book of Eli Tweet 3 - Things might be looking up. Tom Waits just arrived.

Book of Eli Tweet 4 - Nope. Still shit. But I'll keep you posted if it changes. Don't hold your breath....

Book Of Eli Tweet 5 temptation falls in the path of "black Kwai Chang Caine" Not so much a tangled web, more a bit of a knot in some cotton

Book Of Eli tweet 6 - Can't believe I'm actually holding off waxing my tache for this....

Book of Eli Tweet 7 - I just wrenched all the tiny hairs out of my top lip as I thought it would be less painful than watching the film.

Book of Eli tweet 8 - He has a companion now, like a religious Dr Who. But shit.

Book of Eli Tweet 9 - He's no Samuel Jackson with the Bible Quoting. More like a bible episode of Jackanory. With Denzel as Derek Griffiths

Book Of Eli Tweet 10 - Why is this film so dark? Because it's up it's own arse.

Book Of Eli Tweet 11 - I just perked up at Francis De La Tour. Fucking Quality, but a bit like popping a diamond atop a curly turd.

Book Of Eli tweet 12 - arse, the diamond that was De La Tour just bit it. Looks like the sparkler sank beneath the bum egg without trace..

Book Of Eli Tweet 13 - Nice belly laugh from the big truck reversing with a beeping sound. Still, its no "Hangover"....

Book Of Eli tweet 14 - David At Dentist:On "Is this gonna be forever??" David At Dentist:Off

Book Of Eli Tweet 15 - Holy carp, now they're dragging folk from The Nexus to help out. Weak.

Book Of Eli Tweet 16 - Balls, he could be making any old shit up. Like Hurley in Lost rewriting the script for Return Of The Jedi!!

Book Of Eli Tweet 17 - Cool, the ultimate advert for the consumer society at the end - she's got it all on her iPod.

Book Of Eli Tweet 18 - Its OVER!!!! There ya go, I watched it so no one else has to...

Wednesday, 12 January 2011

The Bum Sex Question revisited :) Rated xxx

Thought I'd post some of my Facebook Notes on OOMTM - Just.

Out Of My Tiny Mind 2 - Everything you ever wanted to know about Bum Sex (rated XXX)
by Daisy Connolly on Sunday, 05 July 2009 at 14:04

If your reading this and you are offended by the idea of bum stuff, be it touching,playing, or entering, then STOP reading. You'll not like it. It's not for you. Really, STOP. NOW.

OKay if you're still reading I'm assuming you are a mature open person and will not be offended by talk of taking it up the arse, okay? Okay.

Writing that first warning bit there reminded me of the ads for cereal where the parents try to convince the kids they won't like it. Like the pleasures it holds are not to be shared, but held on to like a special secret. There's a look you get when a group of adults bring up bum sex, from the people who have actually tried it. Its a kind of gentle smile of recognition that the others really and truly do not know what they are missing. And I'm still in two minds whether to write this blog, because to be honest, if people are convinced that all bum play is the devils work, maybe I should just smile knowingly and nod my head - after all, we don't want everyone doing it, do we.

I do want to share some insights though, in the interest of balance, because a healthy sex life is everyone's right, surely.

The pleasurable pandoras box that is Anal Sex is surrounded by myth. And an Arseload of Cultural Taboosabout bums. Myths and cultutral taboos are the things that keep most people from experimenting. Myths like these :- It Hurts. You'll get poo on you. It smells bad. and of course - IT HURTS.

Lets start with the whole poo thing - In my experience, if you need a poo, you likely won't be thinking about anal sex. In my experience, the only time you are likely to get any poo on you is when you are shortly going to poo. And just like you wouldn't really get a hard on when you really need to piss, you probably not gonna embark on a big ol sex romp with a tummy ache telling you you have other pressing matters. So. Wipe your arse properly. Shit and Shower beforehand, and poo is not gonna be a major issue.

The smell thing - it's gonna be controversial, but most sex involves a degree of odour. Usually, those odours are deliciously appetising when we are turned on. You either like those smells or you don't. I know of folks who shower before and after, because they truly don't enjoy the musk of arousal. Others salivate at the thought of those same aromas. So, if you have real hang ups about body smells in general, then you'll prolly have a few other hurdles to jump in your pursuit of sexual pleasure (You probably don't do oral yet either) before you leap towards the bum. :) As with all sexual exploring, wash first, and wash after, and everything in between will take care of itself.

Oooh and now the big one - it hurts. Pain and pleasure have always held hands a little, but there are ways to find the best mix of the two to suit you. Part of the sensuality of anal play is that it needs a lot of trust and co-operation - otherwise, yeah, it'll likely hurt.

So when you're ready, (Maybe on your own first, then with a partner) Get some lube. KY is the most well known and easily available - the gel stuff in tubes is quite sticky though and some prefer the slightly thinner feel of the more expensiveliquid lubes as they allow more sensations to be experienced. I like this stuff myself...http://www.bedroompleasures.co.uk/sex-toys/Lubricants.89/Warming-Lubes.91/ID-Pleasure-80ml-Squeeze-Bottle.307.html
STEP 1 - start small - looking and touching. And don't forget the lube. There's ALWAYS time for lube... Then the curiously childish rhyme is a good guide for the next step
STEP 2: One finger, one thumb, Keep moving. When your happy with touching you can move on.
STEP 3 - Toy with it - use a good sex toy, one that you are happy to "imagine" being used. It's a bit like when you lose a filling, and you can't see the cavity, but you can feel it with your tongue and it seems HUGE. Any toy back there feels, well, bigger than it is, so buy a pocket vibe and off you go..
STEP 4 - might or might not happen, depending on whether you have enjoyed the earlier steps - penetrative sex needs a lot of trust, practise and care. You both need to want it badly enough to be bothered to take it slower than a snail wank. The rewards are obvious if you've enjoyed the play stages.

Right - now all that's out in the open, maybe you'll at least have a better understanding of A) why anal sex is so sought after by guys, and B) why Anal Sex is avoided by so many women.

Here endeth the first sex advice clinic by the Dr Ruth of Stand Up, Daisy Connolly.

Now bugger off.

Monday, 10 January 2011

Black Swan - Might be a bit spoilery....but not specific :)

Black Swan

(STOP!! IF you haven't yet seen it, this might be considered a bit spoilery, although NO SPECIFIC PLOT DETAILS are discussed - Just sayin.)

I really really enjoyed this cinematic peep into the heart of madness. For me, that’s what it was – a picture from within - of what it must be like to gradually lose all sense of reality and succumb to the darkness of mental illnesses such as schizophrenia and to some extent, depression and manic depression. To know that things are not right, that you need to get a grip, shake it off – and yet be utterly helpless to stem the tide of paranoia and delusion that grips the mind when such an illness is doing its worst.

These things seem to grip at the very worst of times – the mind’s cries of “Noooo, not right now, when I’m about to get that promotion, or sit that exam, or compete in that race etc” those times when we are pushing ourselves to the very limit (whether we know it or not) are the very times we are most vulnerable. And whilst I’ve never been quite so grippingly dramatic in my self delusion, I’ve suffered many a moment of utterly irrational darkness fed and nurtured by my own self destructive tendencies. And nearly always at the very worst, most inconvenient of times.
The flip side for me being those equally deluded and irrational highs - dreams and plans of soaring high on my achievements.

But my own struggles are never anywhere near as pronounced or as signposted as the ones in the film, and I’m thankful for that aspect of the storytelling here. For at least throughout we know this is a fiction, because things are maybe too neat and single stranded for it to be a true depiction of such illnesses. The truth tends to be a lot more fragmented, and thus delusions and their causes are harder to spot, recognise, own and control. The complexity of mental illnesses, and the depth of their root causes make them difficult to explain to others, and therefore so much misunderstanding still surrounds conditions like Schizophrenia, BiPolar disorders and severe despression.

Thankfully, this is a piece of fiction, a truly gripping, highly entertaining depiction of the Blackness. It twists and turns with all the grace, drama and forboding of the Tragic Ballet at its centre. Well worth a watch. Highly recommended.

Sunday, 9 January 2011

Open letter to those two tw*ts in the Match Dot Com Ad.

Right, that’s it. The pair of you need to sit down and listen to a few fricken home truths, you shallow donkeys.

Ok Firstly OLD MOVIES .... Like the WHAT? The fucking GODFATHER? You bloody clueless embryo. Admitedly, had you stopped your “Oooh listen me I’m quirky cos I sing like I’m humming in a lift” ditty there, you would at least have given an indication that you like GOOD movies, but OLD??? That my deluded pal is NOT a fucking OLD movie – try something like Moonfleet or Ace In The Hole or Night Of The Hunter or The Searchers or the Maltese Falcon or basically anything that was made say before you were born, because truly, the whole world, not just movies, was better before you two came along, you waste of carbon.

Oooh but you didn’t stop there, you said “Godfather (Comedy pause...) Three”, like you were the Jimmy Carr of Funny reveal jokes, embarrassingly indicating you like a laugh, but for the most part no one else laughs with you because you have a hole where your sense of funny should be.

“Its not considered the best one, but that’s just me...” Now usually, people say shit like “that’s just me...” when they really mean “but they are wrong, and I know better....” I’m going to assume that’s what you were going for and say this – Your only hope is to have your entire personality wiped like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but don’t bother to try for just the stuff you think you know about movies, get rid of everything. Safer all round. Good. That’s that bit tourniqueyed.

Secondly, what the cock are the pair of you doing exactly, moping around in a second hand musical instruments shop dressed like you took about three hours to decide what to wear and still ended up looking like a really vain tramp. Seriously, were you going for the “I’m so not bothered about my looks because I’m so well balanced” thing that fashion knobheads on Carnaby Street think they have down? You know it doesn’t work, right? You are just the modern equivalent of the Naked Emperor, with your obvious vanity gonads slapping your bare thighs in the wind, making the rest of us stare in disbelief at your overt incognisance.

The pair of you are as bad as each other, you with your carefully sculpted bedhead hair, and her with that bloody “Enid Blyton Chic” look. No wonder you are both in some charity shop sans mates, bet you reckon you like your own company and you are “comfortable in your own skin”. I’ll tell you why you like your own company, its because over the years and years you have spent self obsessing and honing that choreographed casual look, everybody who has ever known you has walked away relieved at the fact they escaped the narcissistic black hole you have become.

So, now you are looking for someone “like you” at Match dot Com so that you can share your obvious social broke-dick-dog-ness? Well, I’m hoping with all my bloody might that you two don’t actually get together and breed, you pair of unfortunates. Because then we really do got some problems, Houston.