Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Stages in the Life Cycle Of A Depressive Butterfly

Fucking butterflies....?  This blog is actually nowt to do with butterflies.  Bloody analogies, Eh.

Still, I guess they serve a purpose, in that they sometimes allow others to latch onto something we are thinking and feel like they "get it" a little.

So, picture a cocoon.  Inside, protected from the things that might do damage by a hardened shell of meds, trusted routines, and somewhat isolated from the world for a time, is a fragile thing.   A fragile thing trying to heal a little, and attempting a metamorphosis, a huge shift of both mind and body.  That shift is potentially huge, and takes a mighty effort.  Its a shift that MUST occur in order for the fragile thing to move on, grow, blossom, even thrive again...

That's me, then.  In my cocoon right now.  Have been for some time, having thrown out the stuff that might take my energies away from changing, from coping.  The cocoon I created was warm, safe, had less stress, mostly because I created it by cutting out a lot of things from my life - performing, comedy, writing (thought I kept a little of this one) improv, socialising, theatre, and sadly some of the friends that went with those things...   It was insular, more limited, an attempt to concentrate on the really important stuff like just getting up every day, going to work, staying focussed, managing financially, managing mentally...   I kept my focus on the very barest of essentials for surviving - the people I love and trust, keeping a roof over our heads, keeping my balance mentally.

And over time, from within that cocoon, I have begun to feel stronger. I'm actually starting to feel like I can cope with most things.  I am actually managing to convince myself I'm not all bad. (a HUGE achievement in itself!!)  Occasionally, these days, I smile to myself. (I know!!!)   I'm starting to plan further ahead than a week or so.  I am definitely starting to change.

Now here's the bugger, will it be a change for good or bad? - Was there a fly in the booth ( I end up falling apart, turning into a monster and trying to take everything down with me like Jeff Goldblums Brundlefly) , or am I actually going to be able to wriggle free of this self-made cocoon and fly again?

The fact that I actually miss the flying has to be a good sign, right?.  That I'm even pondering such things now, and remembering stuff with affection, instead of putting it out of my head like an alcoholic banning all thoughts of drink.  That is great in the truest sense of the word, isn't it?

I'm nowhere near being there yet.  I still feel much happier in the cocoon.  But I'm maybe thinking about how I can cut a wee peep hole in that shell, to tentatively observe from behind my hide.  I'm feeling far more open to joining in again.

I've not changed completely though, for as soon as I do allow myself to think about getting out more, doing more stuff, flying a little bit, that is when the darker part of me chips in.  Ahhh my old friend Little Miss Self-doubt (I should write that book!) - with worries about not being able to do it anymore, worries that I just don't have it, I'm too far out of the loop, no-one will let me back in, I should just stay where I am, I'm not good enough, things have moved on now etc etc etc.  If there was a medal for finding reasons why I should stay home from the party of life, I'd win gold. Well, silver.  Actually I'd probably not even place...  (Oh here we go....)

Just Kidding, I'm more able to see what a turgid, stagnant habit that is, and try at least to shake it off.

And that's where I am now in the cycle - trying to shake off the cocoon, come out of the shell a little, dip my toe in the water and other such analogies that help you guys to see that I do intend to take back some of the stuff I've put to oneside.  I do intend to claw my way back.  I do want to build some bridges again.  There is a butterfly waiting to....  Ok Ok... Stupid analogy... ;)

I'm hoping some of you old pals will still be around, but if not, then I'll just have to make some new pals, eh.  :P

To help, should you be so inclined, just say hi.  That's all I'll need to leap back in I think - a few hello's, a few "where the fuck have you been"s, y'know - same ol same ol.....  Them as don't ask...

Debs - Daiz, whichever....  :)


  1. Funny. Moving. Informative. Inspirational. That's what this is. And much more. Thanks for writing this.

  2. Replies
    1. hi Andie, promise I'll let you know if I'm gigging again xx ;)