Monday 2 July 2012

What I'm really saying is... (School reports translated)

Yes, its that time of year again, when teachers everywhere struggle with the dilemma of telling parents what they think about their kids, without actually TELLING the parents what they think of their kids - fearing that the parents will smack them upside the head.

Here then, is my guide to what (some) teachers (not me, though) are really trying to say about little Johnny Smartarse, Penelope Pickanose, Bobby Bumblebutt and Vic Astushort-planks. (None of whom are in my class)

IT SAYS...Has made a significant contribution to class discussion...
IT MEANS- basically, your kid rattles on and on about utter shite for most of the time, usually until another kid smacks him or her in the mouth and they start bawling.

IT SAYS...Prefers to work as part of a group...
IT MEANS - You mollycoddle your kid, so they can't do anything for themselves, and rely on their peers to carry them the same way you do.

IT SAYS...is beginning to develop skills in...   
IT MEANS - They can't do it.  At all.  The only way they can do whatever it is, is if the teacher walks them through it step by step, spoonfeeding them the answers.

IT SAYS ...is always enthusiastic about ....  
IT MEANS - Again, they can't bloody do it.  But they like to think they can.  They are deluded, probably due to over praise from you bloody parents...

IT SAYS ...needs occasional reminders to stay on task.... 
IT MEANS - Your child is in cloud cuckoo land most of the time, and would be distracted by air.  Cross out "Stay On Task" and change it to "Stay On This Planet.."

IT SAYS ...has a challenging mind...
IT MEANS - Your kid is a right bloody know it all, who thinks teachers are there to answer his constant whining enquiries instead of teaching the whole class.

IT SAYS ...needs to improve their presentation skills...
IT MEANS - Your kid writes like a spastic spider dipped in ink.  Trying to read their scrawl is a daily soul destroying exercise in futility.

IT SAYS ...really needs to remember their PE Kit...  
IT MEANS - Your kid is followed around by a cloud of stench to rival school dinner cabbage and garlic bread day.  Wash their kit, for fucks sakes.  And wash the kid.

IT SAYS ...is a delight to teach ....
IT MEANS - No one knows your kid's name because they sit at the back and say bugger all about bugger all.  Wallpaper kid.  Flatter than Flat Stanley.  Put a personality on their christmas list, before its too late.

So there you have it.  You know I speak the truth.

Daiz xx


2 comments:

  1. LOL Every parent should read this. I mean, they won't think it applies to *their* kid, of course, but...

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