* Not to be taken too seriously
** No, fuck that, take it seriously, it really is life or death for some...
Its that time of year again - annoying gits gloating about their New Year Resolutions while you are struggling to even get up in the morning. Weather is gloomier and darker than Eeyore's Cellar, and all that shit you left til after christmas so you could leave work early for the party is coming back to haunt you.
So, what can you do to avoid that big black dog of doom from metaphorically humping the leg of your emotional wellbeing?
Here are a few simple and obvious strategies and tips from yours truly.
1 Fuck the diet. I said fuck the godamned diet!! You need those treats and carbs for a little while longer. Low blood sugar to a depressive is as dangerous as stairs to old folk.
2 Avoid contact with maudlin, neurotic teenagers. Maybe send the young pretenders to camp or something, or ask them to stop at a friends house. The last thing you need is someone whining that their black nail polish has run out when you are struggling not to pick up the shiny sharp objects...
3 Type "cheerful news" into youtube and record some on a loop, then play it on repeat instead of the steaming pile of gloom currently all over the news channels.
4 Open the bloody curtains for gunness sakes!! All that dark is NOT good for you, you are not bloody Nosferatu.
5 Sod it, go and get your hair done, or a tattoo or get something pierced. It'll be a talking point at least, and get you out of the bubbling quagmire of doom, innit.
6 If you don't own a pet, get one. Nothing pisses all over the twattiness of life like a kitten going mental for a bit of fucking string. Alternatively, youtube search for kittens going mental for a bit of string. Result!!!
7 Don't set any new year resolutions until it is daylight when you wake up in the morning. Trust me, this simple rule will keep you from living in Satan's Ballsack of Guilt because you broke your resolutions within a week.... (its still the New Year right up to next christmas as far as I'm concerned - plenty of time for New Year resolutions when the sun is shining.)
8 Drink a shitload of water. Supposedly, it will keep you hydrated, and when you are hydrated, your brain will be working better and your whole body will feel more alert. My theory is that it actually dilutes the depressing inky blackness to a far less scary slightly muddy puddle.
9 Try to avoid too much time on your own, there is indeed safety in numbers. This one applies to Zombie Holocausts too. Bonus.
10 Get out of the house. Not in a "creepy haunted voice warning you should not ignore" kind of way, but in a "get some fresh air before you turn into that bloke in se7en in that room with all the air fresheners hanging from the ceiling" kind of way.
Right, there's ten things to be going on with. I know its all bollocks anyway and life is a pile of steaming shit and no one is a bigger loser than you etc etc but... Give life a chance to spark again and I wish you all the luck in the world getting through to the light and the end of the tunnel for another bloody year.
Much love and affection to all my fellow sufferers - Daized.